Reflecting on Reflection

A couple of weeks ago, I sat down with Emily, a journalist from our local newspaper, to talk with her about one of my favorite pastimes. With a French press pot of passion fruit tea at our local Cup of Joe, I talked with her about why I’ve devoted a part of my life to my computer screen to tell pieces of my story on this blog.  And I realized after our chat that I had never really thought about many of the questions she posed.  I blog simply because I like to do it, but I’ve never really thought about why I love blogging, what I’ve learned from it, and the challenges about telling pieces of my story on this open and exposed platform.  These questions left me scratching my head a bit, and desiring to reflect on why this hobby is an important one for me.

I’ve always loved writing and believe it is a powerful tool for self-growth and reflection.  It’s been a hobby of mine for as long as I can remember, and was one of the passions that led me to want to teach reading and writing to others.  Writing is also something I struggle with, and like any sport or hobby, you grow with practice.  Writing isn’t something that comes easy for me, but is something I have to work at, and the growth that occurs when I make a habit of it is what is most rewarding for me. 

I started a blog at school for my students during a unit on Catcher in the Rye.  It’s one of my favorite books, and a book that requires us to explore our own voice as we are let in on the voice of Holden Caulfield.  Long story short, I loved the effects I saw from this and desired to do something similar to document my life outside of school.  I often thought about how much I could accomplish if I would spend that time writing professionally; however, there’s a lot to be said for being able to separate from work life and find a creative outlet elsewhere.

I started my blog on a whim and had absolutely no expectations for how it would go.  My husband and I were newlyweds, we had just bought our first house, and life was good.  I wanted a way to chronicle the things going on in our lives as a sort of history book for our family.  Back then, I had little to no audience --- my husband every now and then, my mom, and my grandma, and it was the perfect way to practice writing and reflect and remember these times in our lives. 

My blogging became even more important when I found out I was pregnant with Cruz.  I loved being pregnant and had this desire to want to soak up every moment and try and bottle up how I was feeling, what I was thinking, and how I was preparing for him.  I wrote him letters, wrote about what I was craving and how I was feeling, and recorded this ongoing story of what life was like the months before Beau and I would become parents.

My life completely changed on October 12, 2010, when little Cruz came into our lives.  Suddenly, every little moment became so precious and I wanted so bad to slow down time and just exist in this little bubble of being new parents.  Everything was new, everything was a little scary, and everything seemed so temporary.  I will never forget a quote I once heard in a Personal Essay class in college ---- Natalie Goldberg said that ‘writing gives us the unique power to live life twice.’  In a way, writing became my way of trying to slow down time, or do what Holden Caulfield desired when he said that he wanted to put certain things in glass cases and keep them in a museum forever.

Blogging made me more aware, more grateful, and more creatively motivated.  It didn’t take me away from a moment, but made me live in it deeper.  Gretchen Rubin wrote in her book The Happiness Project that in order to squeeze the most happiness out of a situation, we need to not only savor it when it is happening, but express it in some way afterwards.  It’s what Mary Oliver means when she says, “Pay attention.  Be astonished.  Tell about it.”

Soon, I became a part of this bigger community of other moms doing the same thing.  I found bloggers that I kept going back to for one way or another --- some for their amazing photography, some for their creative inspiration, and some because I felt like they were my friends from far away. I love so many of these women, and have found so much inspiration from them.  They are women --- imperfect and real, just trying to do their very best and share bits of their happiness along the way.  And you know what?  Reading about their happy things makes me happy, and inspires me to look for inspiration, and beauty, and happiness around me.  I think it’s what Annie Dillard meant when she said, ‘what you see is what you get.’  If you look for the bad, you will surely find it.  If you look for the good, you’ll find that it’s there, too.       

And while the process of blogging is the most important part for me, the products are rewarding as well.  I have this time capsule of sorts for my family to dig into one day; full of snapshots of what life was like.  And that is what they are – snapshots.  This blog is a slice of our life, but not our whole life.  There are plenty of things that go undocumented, plenty of things I choose not to share on this space.  As I change, so does the blog.  Some days, I feel like sharing more, some days, I feel like sharing less, and one day, I may find other interests that take away from this blog.  Above all, I write for myself, and try to not force what doesn’t feel right. 

There’s this picture of my mom when she was pregnant with me.  It was late summer and the golden light must have been a killer that night because the entire picture is on fire.  The hue of the image is a mix of the greatest fall colors you’ve ever seen, the sun seeps through the lens in all the right places, and there, standing next to a tree is my mom, holding my brother’s hand, standing there in this perfect white dress, her hair swept up in a messy knot, glowing in a way that only a soon-to-be mother can.  I’ve only seen this picture a few times, but it’s an image that has stayed with me for as long as I can remember.  It’s the essence of motherhood, a snapshot within a bigger story of the month I was born, and an artifact of simple happiness before I was there to remember it myself.  

I think about this picture a lot when I write on this blog.  Stories and images of our life, our history, and our happy. 

Cruz Confessionals - Part 1

I saw this video confessional idea from another mom blogger's site and just had to try a version for myself.  Cruz is talking up a storm lately, and I just know this year is going to be filled with new words, new stories, and new conversations all the time.  My hope is to capture these little Cruz confessionals from time to time to have record of the funny things he says, the funny way he acts, and especially the sound of his sweet little voice.  

So after church one morning, I gave the boy a mango dum dum, turned on the camera, and had a funny little conversation...and it only took one try.  

And seriously, the way he attempts to cross his legs?  This kills me.  He's never done that before.  

I added subtitles purely for the fun of it - we repeat everything the kid says ;) 

(Click the four little arrows on the bottom of the video to make full screen)

Cruz Confessionals - Part 1 from Ashley Jorgensen on Vimeo.

forgetting the 'less than fives'

Last week, we went on a little adventure up north.  And if Cruz could write, or talk in complex sentences for that matter, I have a feeling his travel itinerary might look a lot like the two days we spent together --- our final hurrah of winter break before another semester begins for this mama on Monday.

It was a short trip, and other than one 'mild' setback at Starbucks, we had a wonderful little getaway.  And you know, that's really what a day or two away is all about.  A chance to truly 'get away' from the daily distractions and routines of day-to-day and focus on nothing but the adventure in front of you.  For me, it seems sometimes the things that get in the way of family time the most are what I call the less than fives - the multitude of things that are easy to rationalize because after all, they take less than five minutes to do.  I quickly unload the dishwasher while Cruz plays in the tub, or check so and so's blog while Cruz plays cars at my feet, or turn on the The Bachelor while I build puzzles with Cruz, half listening to him and half listening to the drunk girl on TV who didn't receive a rose.  And while I realize many of these 'less than fives' are important and necessary to keeping the boat afloat at home, many of them can wait.  In so many ways, I hate that our culture attributes multi-tasking as progressive and necessary to advance. Sometimes, the more I do, the more I feel I don't do much of it well.  

That's why getaways are important.  The dishwasher stays at home, the TV stays off, and so many of the other 'less than fives' are left in the dust for a few days of mono-tasking with what's most important.  The constant whisper of what can be done melts away, and what's left is the freedom to focus on what's in the present.  I think it's why little kids love hotel rooms so much --- there's no where to hide, no less than fives to take care of, and no one scolding you for jumping on the bed.  

"Seriously, guys, are we there YET?"

It seemed we had the Mall of America to ourselves when we arrived Thursday night.  Being a school night in the middle of the week, I knew it would be less chaotic than normal, however, I've never seen the place this empty before.  We spent a good hour in The Disney Store, had dinner, and scored a $10 unlimited ride pass at Nickelodeon Studios.  There were no lines and we were sometimes the only people on a single ride!  This took the anxiety level down a few notches as anyone who's been to the Mall of America knows it's not what one would deem a relaxing destination, and we were able to let Cruz lead the way and go at his pace.

Cruz made himself at home in The Disney Store.  He had a ball and found lots of his newest favorite - 'Cars.'

Seeing the rides for the first time.  

  
First ride...hang on!

Oh boy did he love the rides.  He went on Diego's bus twice, loved the hot air balloon ride that Beau insisted on and that I thought went too high, and could have rode that carrousel for hours.  Beau and I took turns accompanying him on rides, giving us opportunities to soak in his excitement from the sidelines.  I watched and thought about Holden Caulfield watching his sister Phoebe on the carrousel in Central Park, crying and smiling at the same time, longing to keep her in that childlike state of innocence, happiness, and wonder forever.  

I hear ya, Holden.

Although we had so much fun Thursday night, Friday morning was the big show.  In honor of his 2nd Birthday and quite fitting for his Sesame Street birthday bash, Cruz received three tickets to Sesame Street Live in Minneapolis.  And although he may have liked to take two of his besties from daycare with him to the show, he chose Beau and I as the lucky ticket holders (likely due to the potty training and driving a car issues at hand).  So from the 6th row at the Target Center in Minneapolis, Cruz had a chance to see his favorite show brought to life, meet, greet, and give high fives to some of his favorite characters, and sit on the steps of his most beloved street.  I couldn't wait to see his face.

Our plans took a slight turn for the worse on Friday morning when Cruz puked in a very crowded Starbucks just an hour before showtime.  Beau and I were at a loss, three hours away from home, without extra clothes or wet wipes, unsure of whether it was a false alarm or the flu bug everyone seems to be passing around, but Cruz proved to bounce back a lot quicker than his parents did.  With just an hour before the show, we decided to take things slow and see how he did, but as two year olds have a way of doing, there was no such thing as slowing down, especially where Elmo was concerned.  

Cruz demanded popcorn and a bright red sno-cone, and Beau and I nervously watched him like a hawk, silently praying that God would get us through the show and home if Cruz really was showing signs of the flu.  Weirdly, he never got sick again, slept the whole way home, and has been fine ever since.  We're starting to think it isn't a vacation with Cruz unless he projectile vomits in a public place. 

So other than the fact that Beau and I were a little on-edge, hiding potential puke bags and trying to regulate Cruz's sno-cone intake, we enjoyed the show and more so, enjoyed watching Cruz enjoy the show.  

It was a sunny day on Sesame Street, indeed. 

After arriving home, unpacking our overnight bag, and settling back into the groove, I felt inspired to be more intentional about the balance between my less than fives and play, knowing that getaways can exist inside our little home, adventures can be just as sweet, and there's always enough time to let a little monkey jump on his parents' bed.

Have a good week :) 

Winter Break in Bullet Points...

 

• saw The Hobbit with the hubs.  It was long, but entertaining, and I had lots of time to eat the four boxes of movie theater candy I received for Christmas.  Oh, and there was popcorn.
• had the best barbecue on this side of the Mississippi.  Beau finally convinced me to try Herb's Barbecue, this very appropriate looking bbq joint in Waterloo.  I had a polish sausage and it was TO DIE FOR.  Seriously, if you haven't tried this place, do it.  And don't you dare let the looks of the place deceive you ;)
• spent entire afternoons in our pajamas.  Beau would come home from lunch, leave, and return again to find Cruz and I in the exact same spot as he left us.  I had a good week of accomplishing almost nothing and it felt SO good.
• took Cruz sledding.  It took almost 20 minutes to bundle him up, and I'm not exaggerating, TEN minutes of actual sledding.  Let's just say my anti-boots wearing man is a little skeptical of the cold weather.  We settled for cheeseburgers and coloring at the Screaming Eagle instead.
• finally had our first adventure at Trader Joes.  If it wasn't for Cruz pretending he was Richard Petty with his mini shopping cart, I could have perused the shelves of this place for hours.  We've been enjoying their everything bagels, beer, honey apple butter, and cheese, and even checked to see if they shipped!  Oh, to live in a place with more options than Hy-Vee...
• watched lots of movies (see We Bought a Zoo if you haven't, I'm telling ya)
• did some painting
• baked some cookies
• attempted to teach Cruz how to play Memory and Chutes and Ladders.  Chutes and Ladders is a no for right now, but he likes the concept of Memory.  He's really good at flipping (more than two) cards over at a time, announcing 'no match!' and taking ours when we find one.  And this is what it's like playing board games with a two year old...
• raced lots of racecars
• ate a lot of cuties
• played with the biggest container of blocks known to man.  While Cruz made himself a home inside the container, Beau and I had contests to see who could build the best building outside the container.  (winning!)

I've loved having this extended break at home --- quiet, slow time with this little family and days to just be mom.   

fairytales

That's the nice thing about carrousels, they always play the same songs.

Catcher in the Rye

 

My boy loved the carousel this weekend.  And I felt like a kid at the county fair all over again, just watching his little face glow in the lights and concentrate on the lion he claimed as his throne.  We went round and round in our own little world and waved at daddy every single time.  He was happy and everything felt so right.

If that carrousel had a song, I'd play it forever... 

Funny Cruz

Winter Break is coming to a close for me, and I've been so thankful for the extra days I've had to recharge, regroup, and just enjoy slow days at home with Cruz.  The two of us have spent a lot of time together and besides sleeping, I don't think we've spent more than an hour or two apart.  It was definitely busy, a little stressful, and there were times when I seriously thought I might pull my hair out.  But then, I would listen.  Listen to Cruz talk to himself as he played, or grab a gallon of milk out of the fridge for the 18th time, grunt and mumble, 'it's big,' to himself, then shut the fridge light off, and whisper, 'shh, babies sleeping,' like he does every time a light goes off.  And as I listened, I tried to soak up every part of him, thinking to myself that this life of ours and this stage we are living is so temporary.  And as stressed or stretched as I may feel sometimes, I know that someday I will think back to these days as some of the very best.  And that someday, when my kids are moved out and I'm old and gray with nothing to blog about, I will miss these days.  

Even the ones where I might pull my hair out.

There seems to be a lot of laughter in our house right now, whether it's Cruz and his scrunched up face and fake laugh, or Beau and I laughing at the funny personality or quirky mannerisms of this child we created.  

-Cruz says 'pweese' with everything.  What used to be a very firm, 'yes' or 'no,' has now turned in to a polite and adorable, 'yes, pweese' or 'no, pweese.'  We think it must be a daycare thing, as neither Beau nor I can take credit for this, but one thing is for sure --- it is extremely difficult to get upset or firm with our son when he puts a pweese at the end of his rebuttal...

Us: Cruz, will you put your toys away?

Cruz: No, pweese.

Us: Cruz, should we change your diaper?

Cruz: No, pweese.

Us: Cruz, can you stop coloring on the table?

Cruz: No, pweese.

After we've both melted to a puddle of mush and picked up the toys ourselves, we both silently question whether our son has merely picked up a habit, or is truly being polite, or has figured out yet one more strategy for parental manipulation.  Whatever it is, it's effective.  Most of the time.

-Beau's favorite thing Cruz does is what I call, 'The Ponderer.'  Beau asks Cruz a question, something like, 'Hey Cruz, what should we do today?' to which Cruz proceeds to point and look to the sky as if the world is full of possibilities, put a finger to the corner of his mouth, and say, 'hmmm...' in his best impression of Socrates.  He usually responds with 'choo choo.'  He's quite good at contemplating the universe and his existence, or maybe once again really good at making his parents laugh. 

-Cruz LOVES helping us cook in the kitchen.  If he even hears the sounds of pots and pans, he is at our side in a matter of moments, pushing a chair to the counter top and desiring to be a part of every part of the process.  He thinks everything is 'chicken soooop' and loves to taste as we go.  Santa brought him this bath time toy and we think it's added to his love of cooking.  Now if only we could work on his love of eating what we're cooking.

-Cruz has this thing that he does where every time we turn off a light he puts his little finger to his mouth and whispers, 'shhhh, baby's sleeping.'  It's one of my favorite things he does.

-We read a lot around here, and there are a few favorites that Cruz can now read (or more so, recite) on his own.  I love how he waits and waits to say 'exercise' on the corresponding page of 'The Going to Bed Book,' and how he happily yells, 'Red Truck CAN, Red Truck WILL!' in this one.  

-Cruz likes to be helpful in all he does, whether this 'helpful' means dumping a bowl of Cheerios on the kitchen floor, only to exclaim, "Oh no, big mess!' and run to the closet to grab the broom.  He also loves to pick up things he shouldn't --- a half-full glass of water on our end table, a tape measure that didn't get put away, or my camera, carry them ever-so-Cruzily, and present them to one of us, saying, 'he ya go, mom,' or 'he ya go, dad.'  Although these things prove about as helpful as Cruz 'helping' in the kitchen, we go with it because it's adorable and also good accountability, I guess.

When I think about how I would characterize this little sprite of mine, one of the things that sticks out the most is his innocent and genuine enthusiasm for the world around him.  He gets so excited about the smallest things --- a semi passing us on the interstate, a bus stopping in front of our house, or watching a movie with popcorn before bed.  I love this about him, and love that it makes me more aware of the happy around me, too.  

A Kid-Friendly, Wild and Crazy NYE

As Beau and I laid in bed around 10:48 on New Year's Eve night, we spent some time recounting old memories from our nine NYEs together.  There were memories of the famous piano bar in Minneapolis with Kyle and Jen, a few fun years at Toads, and of course, the wild and crazy night at the Bourre Lounge, bottle service, and dancing, just two weeks shy of a positive pregnancy test to kick off our 2010.  Our former NYEs together involved the very typical - dressier than normal attire, a bar full of people, confetti in your hair, and one champagne-induced sloppy kiss at the stroke of midnight.  

Our NYE this year looked a little different than the previous nine.  This was the first year that Beau nor I really felt like going out for New Year's.  We had been out and about so much around the holidays, that a night inside for the three of us just sounded right to us.  But when Monday morning rolled around and Beau left for a short day of work, I decided that it was only necessary to add some flair to our very family-style New Year's Eve.  

After all, we couldn't ring in the new year without throwing some confetti,

and we would need something bubbly, and glasses to clink after our countdown,

and we would need good food, and a little wild and crazy to say goodbye to a good year through.

So, I found some confetti, filled some festive jam jars, and emptied my vacuum cleaner's bag,
 

stuck a bottle of bubbly, as well as a bottle of Ikea's Pomegranate Sparkling Cider in the fridge,

dusted off the fondue pot,

and made three reservations for Shake, Rattle, and Bowl at our local bowling alley.  

Yes, from 5-7:30, Lane 26 was reserved for the three of us, and came complete with three pairs of stylin' bowling shoes, bumpers (for at least two of us), a light show, and fitting and celebratory music to ring in the new year in style.  At first, Cruz was overwhelmed by all things bowling alley, and our game proved to be good practice in taking turns, but our night ended up being a fitting and fun way to celebrate this holiday as a family.  Beau and I had a beer, we shared a greasy bowling alley pizza, and took turns trying to keep Cruz at our lane instead of by the slot machines.  We bowled three games and then Cruz pooped, so our night was cut a bit short, but I'm confident we got our money's worth :).

After our ride home and a NYE bath for Cruz, we decided to ring in the new year with the Brazilians, and had our countdown around 9:00 instead of midnight.  We huddled in the living room in our pjs, poured glasses of bubbly, and had one great counting sesh with Cruz.  

10, 9, 8, 7, 6...

5, 4, 3, 2, 1...

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

I should have known ringing in the new year with a two year old would be a great time.  Little kids need no excuse to celebrate, and Cruz fully soaked up this rare occasion.  He got into the countdown, seemed a little puzzled by the fact that his mom was throwing hundreds of pieces of confetti on the carpet but quickly joined in, and thoroughly enjoyed his very first toast of this odd carbonated substance.  We cheers'ed our way to 2013, and ended our night with a carpet picnic of chocolate fondue and fruit on the living room floor.

It may not have been a bar, or bottle service, or a fabulous dress to ring in the new year, but some things proved the same.  We still had some crazy, we still shared some bubbly, and this year, I got two kisses at midnight, including a big, fat sloppy one from my favorite party animal.  

Cheers to 2013! 

Inspired: Enchiladas in the Afternoon

It scared me a little to look to the right of this blog this morning and see just one single post listed under 'Blog Archives.'  With another year in the history books, my blog posts for the year get automatically archived under a single heading marked, '2012.'  There they sit, all four years of this library, with the new year, 2013, now staring me in the face.  Another year is upon me, and I stare at my blank canvas not quite knowing how to start.

I wasn't sure I was in the mood for resolutions this year.  Then I spent a morning in Barnes and Noble and left with not only a sack full of books for Cruz and me, but a head full of ideas and inspiration to head into this new year.  As I perused the shelves, I was overwhelmed with the pretty covers and novel ideas, and found myself asking questions of what I wanted to explore, tackle, and be inspired by this year.  I could have spent hours in each section of this store, proving that my passions and interests are quite widespread.  I love cooking and baking, organizing and decorating, reading and writing, and photography and gardening.  I love children's literature and young adult fiction, poetry, biographies, and magazines.  I love music and television, movies and games, going out and staying in, and spring, summer, fall, and yes, I even love winter.  My passions are many, but unfortunately, time is not.  I sometimes feel this nagging sense of needing to harness my interests, abandon some, dig deeper into a few, and test out the theory of 'less is more.' 

When I do this, however, I miss the things that get put on the back burner.  After all, our interests are interesting because they bring us happiness, confidence, and challenge.  I spent an hour in the kitchen yesterday afternoon when Cruz was asleep, cleared my kitchen table, found my favorite Mexican cookbook, and quietly tip-toed around my favorite space preparing beef enchiladas for dinner.  For that hour, I focused on nothing but cooking, and felt inspired by every part of it.  I felt like Julia Child herself, chopping the fresh cilantro and tasting my homemade enchilada sauce with a wooden spoon, only to add in a little more cumin to turn up the spice.  Everything from the turn of the tomato sauce can, the candle burning beside me, and the smell of onions and garlic simmering on my stovetop felt so good to me.  It felt good to have supper completed and on the table when Beau got home from work, and I felt happy, content, and inspired by my hour in the kitchen.       

And for me, that's what it's about as I begin this clear canvas of 2013.  It isn't about abandoning my interests, but abandoning the fear that permeates when I try to measure, or quantify, or assess how well I'm doing according to societal constraints and expectations.  I want to live in a way that allows me to be inspired by whatever exists in the present, and to soak up my interests when the opportunity comes, much like soaking up the different qualities of each season.  Because as much as I love gardening, tomatoes just don't taste as good in August as they do in June, and Lord knows, cabin fever sets in when the snow is still around in March.  If all I ever did was make enchiladas, I have a feeling they'd lose their inspiration over time.  Inspiration is fueled by change, and it exists all around us.

So, here's to 2013.  May you inspire me to see beauty, to experience joy, and to cultivate my interests as a way to inspire others.    

A few things inspiring me as of late...

 

 

1.  My new journal.  I've always been inspired by those people who carry leather-bound journals with them wherever they go, as a constant reminder to acknowledge and truly see the world around them.  It may not be leather, but this kraft paper covered has given me a solid start.

2.  A milk-and-cookies afternoon.  I don't even like milk, but even it can be inspiringly delicious with a warm freshly baked cookie dipped in it.

3.  The magnet board I made for Cruz's room.  I spray-painted a frame, covered a piece of tin with some leftover chalkboard paint, and hung it at Cruz-level for magnet exploration.  I love the way it looks hanging in his room and sometimes sneak up to play with it when Cruz is playing with something else.

4.  The sincerity of his little nod and his big brown eyes after I ask if he would like me to lay in bed with him at 2:30 in the morning.  Just him and his Linus blanket standing at the top of the stairs, just waiting for one of us to check on him.  And although I'm groggy, tired, and a little annoyed, I snuggle him close and remind myself that these moments are fleeting.

5.  Baking cookies with an apron on.  Because it just seems more legit.

6.  The Happiness Project, by Gretchen Rubin.  I am so inspired by this book, and have learned that it really does all come down to happiness.  It's the chief good.

7.  We Bought a Zoo.  Seriously, if you haven't seen this one, you have to watch it.  It's the first movie I've seen in a long time that has stuck with me.  I've thought of it numerous times since watching it before Christmas, and feel inspired to write something about it, but I think I'll have to watch it again.  

8.  The Avett Brothers.  I love their sound and their prose (almost) as much as Mumford.  I can't get the words of this song out of my head, and is quite possibly one of the best references to the love you feel after seeing your baby for the first time.  Because if you've been there, you know how impossible it is to describe those first moments.  (And just because it is absolutely critical that you read the words while you listen, here are the lyrics ;) 

9.  Bagels and clementines on a Tuesday morning.  

10.  Watching Cruz paint.  It's poetry, and if I were an Avett Brother, I'd write a song about it.  

"Inspiration exists, but it has to find us working."

-Picasso