my fall funk

Brace yourselves, fellow mom bloggers, pinterest pinners, etsy spree'ers, etc...I'm going to confess something that may shock you a bit.  I may regret saying this later, especially with plans for butternut squash soup, canned applesauce, and a new pair of mustard tights on the agenda for the weekend, but here goes...

Fall has not been my favorite lately.  

I had plans.  Big ones.  Plans for apple baking, soup simmering, tight wearing, pumpkin patching, and fall crafting.  Every day.  Plans for weekends hiding under leaf piles, having apple cider at my disposal all the time, and reading every one of Thoreau's and John Green's books.  You know I actually considered attempting to try a new pumpkin recipe every day? (I don't even really like pumpkin to be perfectly honest).  While I truly love the season of fall as much as the next person, my plans to live deeply in the indulgences it offers carelessly left out one big equation.  

Life.  

Yes, life and all its selfish demands quickly caught up with me and soon every day started to look a lot messier than the pinterest, instagram, or Martha Stewart catalog I had in my head.  Instead of attempting to make the most of the time I did have, I would quickly dismiss the entire day as a waste and a failed attempt to truly appreciate the season I so looked forward to.  It was all-or-nothing in my head, and soon the calendar informed me it was mid-October and I was wasting precious days waiting around for an unrealistic perfection.

The last few days, I've been hearing October whisper in my ear, "What exactly are you waiting for?  Silly girl, open your eyes and look around."  My house doesn't need to be sparkly clean in order for me to stop and admire the sparkle of the gold trees across the street.  And every night is a perfect night for comfort food, whether its planned or not.  If I continue waiting for just-the-right moment to take part in my plans for fall, it will dissolve away before I've stopped to witness its beauty all around me.  

I believe God exists in what I'm calling my 'fall funk' right now, too, slowly transforming me to see the good within the mess.  Life is only going to get busier, more demanding, and likely, messier, as we multiply our family this winter, and I think God is preparing me to find contentment in my imperfect.  I'm learning that if things always looked like a Martha Stewart magazine, there would be no opportunity to clean up the mess.  And the cleaning is where the transformation is.  The opportunity to transform the ugly into a joy that makes us better people.  Ann Voskamp says, "pain and joy are arteries of the same heart - and mourning and dancing are but movements in His unfinished symphony of beauty."  

I like to think my symphony sounds a lot like the one coming from our kitchen floor last night.  Supper was cleaned up and the three of us opened up a new set of wooden blocks from Cruz's birthday.  Soon, our tower building was accompanied with the three of us singing the Itsy Bitsy Spider in various tones and pitches.  We woke the baby up and laughed as we each took turns feeling her move to our inconsistent beat.  At one point, Beau's hand was on my belly and Cruz joined in on the moment, only putting his hand right on my boob, then waited in anticipation for a kick.  Not gonna happen there, bud!  These moments, the little crescendos in a staccato life are the ones worth waiting for.    

I'm a work in progress, but I'm learning the hard discipline in abandoning my desire for perfection and finding the beauty in the mess.  I begin to list the good and soon words spill onto pages faster than I can keep up.   

Good things from our October thus far...

26. tomato soup and grilled cheese on a lazy Sunday night

27. Beau's head on my lap singing to the baby

28. a fruit snack fight in the living room, accompanied with tearful laughter and tickles.  we lost ourselves for a few minutes.

29. bare toes on warm pavement on a beautiful afternoon

30. Cruz's new routine of wanting "just one more" hug when dropping him off at school.  He waits until we start to walk to away, then comes running for a hug.  This happens at least four times every morning.

31. listening to him play pretend in the bathtub

32. a quiet big girl drive home from Des Moines after a conference.  Just me and the farmers in the fields, a pretty sunset in my rearview mirror and two hours of quiet time to myself.  even the smell of pigs made me thankful for home.

33. Cruz's silhouette in the mirror brushing teeth at bedtime.  

34. when his hair lays just right after a bath 

35. walking in the house to the surprising smell of a pepsi roast in the slow cooker. I love my husband.

36. a new apple craft hung in an empty frame in Cruz's room.

37. a trip to Trader Joes and the purchase of every pumpkin item they sell. 

38. an hour at Carter's, all to myself, touching every fleece sleeper and dreaming of a warm baby on my chest

39. fresh chili topped with fresh cilantro  

40. new books before bed.  Pete the Cat and Cruz saying, "It's all gooood," after prayers. 

41. criss cross applesauce and apples on the kitchen table 

42. birthday treats for school   

43. meat loaf, corn casserole, and acorn squash on a Friday night in

44. paint samples for a little girl's room

45. those, lump-in-the-throat, stop-me-in-the-tracks moments when I stare at my son and am so thankful he is mine   

Happy Weekend, everyone.  Here's wishing you lots beauty in the messy.         

The Birthday Boy

I love birthdays and get so much satisfaction from planning unique ways to celebrate the people I love.  And while I tend to splurge a little when it comes to my boy's birthday parties, I love adding a spark to the simple birthday traditions that follow afterwards.  It's kind of like what I remember about getting married - while the party was fun and I was a little sad to see the wedding day go, the quiet days that followed as newlyweds is what I love to remember the most.  Simple routines with a little bit of sparkle.  

And plenty of candles.  You can never blow out enough candles around your birthday.  

Cruz turned three on Saturday and we celebrated on a picture perfect fall day.  I told Cruz that he may just have picked one of the prettiest calendar days of the year to be born.  The weather was crisp, the sun was shining, and the leaves were finally starting to put their fall sweaters on.  On the eve of his birthday, we snuggled together and read the children's story, "On the Night You Were Born."  Then, after he fell asleep, Beau and I exercised our lungs and created a festive entryway for our boy to parade through in the morning.  I looked at his photo book, read old blog posts, and recalled vivid details of the night my boy was born.

Saturday morning felt like Christmas morning, only it consisted of a lot more colors than red and green.  Cruz slept 'til 7 before crawling in bed with us to talk about common things like pirates, Lightning McQueen, and itsy spiders.  Soon, our birthday boy discovered his balloon door and thought it was pretty amazing.  After slashing a few down with his sword, we got to work in the kitchen and whipped up our first batch of birthday pancakes.  We had sprinkles, we had candles, and we had chocolate milk, three of Cruz's favorite things.  The pancakes were easier to whip up than a cake and a wonderful way to start our day of celebration.  I have a feeling birthday pancakes will become a regular staple around here.

The rest of the day felt like a simple fall Saturday, with snapshots of The Lumineers, balloons on the floor of every room, a mid-morning bath, and a free Fireside apple for the birthday boy at the Farmer's Market.  Beau used the last of our garden tomatoes to mix up a fresh pot of chili, which simmered on the stove top all afternoon.  And no birthday would be complete without a quick stop downtown to celebrate with a cupcake from Scratch.

But of all the surprises, sugar, and candles our boy got to celebrate with on the day he turned three, there was perhaps one that truly made his day one of the best.  He's been a fan of this place since spotting their frequent rotation of commercials on Disney Junior since he could barely talk, and can spot the logo a mile away as we drive by.  It may be a money pit, a bit cheesy, with mediocre pizza and a germ-haven for children, but to my boy, this place was a whole new world just waiting to be unlocked.  He had been patient long enough and tonight was the night we would let him see what it was all about.

On the way to Chuck 'E Cheese, I told Cruz we were taking him on a big surprise and asked him to guess where he was going.  He put his finger to his chin before smiling and guessing that we were going to McDonalds for a Happy Meal.  Although he got a little crabby when we explained we had far better plans than a night under the golden arches, the look on his face said it all as we pulled into the parking lot.  I haven't seen my little this excited, in maybe forever, and Beau and I knew we were in for a fun night ahead of us.  You know you're indeed a parent when nothing could make you happier than seeing that smile on their face.

I must admit, I was skeptical about the whole idea at first, but the three of us had a blast.  We did eat mediocre pizza and did get roped into 80 tokens that bought us one measly Laffy Taffy, a swirly straw, and a page of Chuck 'E stickers, but we had three hours of watching our child fully enthralled in his element.  We raced each other in Mario Kart, spent a half hour throwing these little plastic balls into a frog's mouth, and took turns scoring lots of tickets on the crane game.  Cruz clapped, danced, and raised his hand high when Chuck 'E asked if there were any birthdays in the house, and we laughed so much just watching how happy he was.  It was admittedly fun for Beau and I, too, reliving our childhoods and attempting to beat one another at skee ball.  It was a fun little family adventure to a place I have a feeling we may likely revisit this winter before baby arrives.

And just like that, we have a three year old.  It's bittersweet to see our babies grow, but so fun to share all these new experiences together.  There's nothing in the world better than creating happy moments for the people you love and seeing big, goofy smiles on their faces.  

And plenty of candles, of course.  Yet another good thing about turning one year older.  Just one more candle to wish upon. :)

26 Weeks

It's mind blowing to think that in a little shy of three months, we could very possibly be welcoming our sweet daughter into our family, snuggling her close during the coldest part of winter, and starting a new chapter as a family of four.  Baby girl is officially due January 14th, however, her brother came a week late, so I've convinced myself she'll be a late arrival, too. It's overwhelming and incredibly exciting to think about, but as I sit here and type tonight, feeling her sweet little kicks and admiring the silhouette of my growing belly from the picture window, I'm not quite ready to say goodbye to being pregnant.  Of course there are bad days - days when my clothes feel especially uncomfortable or my heartburn is out of control, but for the most part I feel like I'm walking on water, bearing witness to one of God's greatest miracles.  Growing a baby is a beautiful thing and I want to make sure I savor it while its here.

We celebrated Cruz's birthday this weekend and took some fun pictures of brother and sister and their current ages.  Crazy to think that next summer, he'll be drawing circles around her head and she'll be eating sidewalk chalk.  I have a feeling it's about to get crazy around here. :)  

20 Questions @ 3

Happy Birthday, Cruz Bennett!  Starting a new tradition this year - a 3-year old portrait and twenty questions to answer every new year.  It will be a fun addition to your baby book and cute to see how you change from year to year.  

We have so much fun in store this weekend, although I'm pretty sure last night will be a hard one to beat.  Boy, did we have fun!

1.  Favorite Food: Bananas

2.  Favorite Book: Truck book
  
3.  Favorite Color: Blue

4.  What do you want to be when you grow up: Football player

5.  Favorite Song: Itsy Bitsy Spider

6.  Best Friend: Liam

7.  Favorite thing to wear: a hat

8.  Favorite toy: race cars, with Lightning McQueen and Tow Mater

9.  Favorite TV show: Jake and the Ne'erland Pirates

10. Favorite thing to do at school: play toys...kitchen

11. Favorite drink: apple juice

12. Favorite game: race cars

13. What do you like to sleep with: pwanes

14. What makes you happy: playing with my toys

15. What makes you sad: some people take my toys

16. What is your favorite thing to do outside: play soccer ball

17. What is your favorite animal: giraffe

18. Who is the fastest person in the world: Lightning McQueen

19. What is your favorite part of your birthday: pancakes
  
20. What do you like about God: he plays with my toys

Tomorrow You Are Three

Last night, while your daddy and I sat and brainstormed pirate rhymes for your birthday party thank yous, we listened to you play pretend from the bathtub.  Until your little toes were shriveled up like prunes, we listened and every once and awhile stopped and smiled at each other as your little voice filled our house with everything that is good.  We couldn't always make out what you were saying, but your animated sounds and lively expressions were so cute.  It was such a fitting image of who you are - perfectly content and unphased by anything except your race cars, your cartoons, or your sippy cup of water before bed.  The night was quiet, the windows were open, and we listened to you for a half an hour, lost in your own little world of play.  I stopped several times to remind myself to "remember this moment" - one of my last snapshots of you at two. 

Tomorrow, you are turning three.  And while it hurts just a little to see you growing so big and getting almost too heavy for my arms, I am mostly happy and so so lucky to be a part of your life.  Your daddy and I laugh at you and stand in complete awe at how cool you are on a daily basis.  The things you say, the looks you give, and the way you need us and love us makes us so happy to be part of your family.    

Happy 3rd Birthday, sweet boy.  Thanks for changing our whole world for the better.  Your unique spark has lit up a world I never knew existed and I pray your little flame continues to grow even bigger as you age.  You brighten up so many lives by just being you - and the beautiful thing is you don't even know it. 

A few of my favorite things about you on your final day @ two...

1.  the way you tell me all about the life cycle of a butterfly on the way home from school and the way you say, 'chrysallis.'  It's my favorite word you say and I ask you to tell me about it forty times a day.  

2.  the way you are with your baby cousins.  So gentle, so loving, so mature.  I can't think about you being a big brother without getting a lump in my throat and I'm anxiously awaiting the day you meet your little sis.

3.  your cooking show during bathtime.  You love to make soup, and legitimately look like you are leading a show on the Food Network.  You talk to yourself, give your audience directions, and even gasp like Julia Child when you 'accidentally' spill a cup of bath water on the bathroom floor.

4.  you are a picky eater, but our saving grace at dinner time has been a pair of dice and a little game I found on Pinterest.  Every night, we allow you to roll the dice, count the black dots, and take the same number of bites from your plate.  It's worked amazingly well so far, and it's funny how much you are willing to try when it's magically turned into a game.

5.  you request that we "pwease shut the door" when you have to go poop.  And it's almost always twenty-minutes during bathtime, to which your water gets cold and we basically have to start the process all over again.  You are a man of routine!

6.  when you're upset, it helps to take deep breaths.  Daddy taught you this one night and it's the cutest thing ever.

7.  you take a dixie cup of mini marshmallows with you to school every single morning.  

8.  you like it when Daddy sings you "Fire and Rain."  You have since you were a tiny baby.

9.  we catch you singing at random multiple times throughout the day.  Your favorites are the Itsy Bitsy Spider, the Johnny Appleseed song, and your newest favorite, "God is watching, watching over you!"  You can also recite the cutest 'months of the year' song and know the calendar well.  You, too, love "fall" and inform me that soon the leaves will fall off the trees.  The knowledge you come home with from school amazes me. 

10.  putting you to bed at night is a challenge as you've figured out how to manipulate your parents by requesting numerous things at numerous times before falling asleep.  A sippy of water, a Lightning McQueen car, medicine (Tylenol), or potty.  

11.  stuffed animals have never interested you, but you must sleep with a random toy every single night.  Most of the time it's a race car, but other recent requests have included a sword, a book order, and your dad's Madden Xbox game.  And whatever goes to bed with you is always clenched in your hand as you await to be rescued from the top of the stairs in the morning.  Sometimes, you stand there with quite the handful of stuff!

12.  Depending on the day, you require about 4-6 hugs before I leave daycare in the morning.  I think it's more about attention than a true need for a hug, but I secretly adore this.  The way you run away, then stop, turn around, and look at me with those big brown eyes of yours before running up and wrapping your arms around my neck.   

This weekend, we are finally surprising you with a night at a place you've requested we go to for months.  I can't wait for a quiet weekend at home to focus on nothing but you and that smile on your face.  

We love you, sweet boy.  Happy Three!