Here we are, my very last post in this maternity series. I think since Cruz arrived just one day shy of 41 weeks, I kind of prepared myself for a similar case the second time around. But here we are, just a day before 41 and my Mila Girl is already one week old.
Today was my first day at home as a mama of two and it's been wild. I did my best to balance playing with Cruz and tending to Mila, all while trying to flush out this cold I can feel creeping in. My first outing on my own since Mila's birth will be to the chiropractor at 5:15 and if I'm lucky, I may be stopping by Target for some nursing pads on my home. I decided to paint with Cruz this morning and just as he climbed in the chair to grab his brush, his sister started crying from her crib. I coerced him back to the living room, fed her, then painted one handed. I finally got Cruz down for a nap about 2 and decided it was time for Mila to have a bath. I gave her a sponge bath, bundled her up in her towel, lotioned her up, and put the cutest sleeper on her. Then, just as I was rocking her to sleep, I felt her fill her pants. I laid her back down and as I was changing her pants, she peed all over her sleeper, her onesie, and the freshly washed blanket I just pulled out of the drier! I've been laughing a lot today, substituting my lack of perfection with lots of kisses for Cruz and Mila, and breathing in the quiet moments when they happen. Like this baby doll curled up on my chest, breathing post-nursing breaths into the crook of my neck. Or playing farm with Cruz after lunch, making him giggle as I repeatedly threw Mr. Farmer down the silo. It's the little things and laughter now more than ever - they will be my fuel for all the sleepless nights, no shower days, and endless poopy diapers to come. :)
Ten months of waiting...
She's here. Mila Carys Jorgensen came to meet us on Monday, 1-13-14, at 5:05 pm. She is a tiny little thing - 6 lbs., 13 oz. and 21 inches long and she looks just like a doll I used to play with when I was little. We are completely in awe of her and I forgot how easy it is to stare at a baby all day.
We came home yesterday and so far, life has moved slowly around here. Mila has seemed to take to her new surroundings well, nursing good for mommy and even sleeping well in her crib last night. Cruz is adjusting as a big brother, too. He sat with me this morning while I nursed and gently patted her back and at one point, leaned down by her lamb chair and whispered, "It's okay, Mila, Cruz is here." That familiar sense of peace that surrounds a newborn baby has settled into our home and we are feeling so very blessed.
More to come...eventually. :)
...and waiting this weekend. Beau is currently at Hy-Vee picking me up a pineapple, I just walked a mile on the treadmill, and we're thinking a dinner at Bourbon Street is sounding pretty fitting. We're ready to meet baby and it's hard to focus on much else.
Dear Cruz...
The holidays are over and we have just spent the better part of the last two weeks enjoying you. We were busy over Christmas, but it has commenced and the past week has been spent exactly the way it's needed to. Daddy took a few days off work, we've stayed in pajamas most days, made pancakes for breakfast, played with all your new toys, and lingered on every hug, every look, every funny thing you've said with a whole new awareness that soon it's going to be different. See, the baby sister we've been telling you about, the one growing in my tummy, is about to come out and join our family. You are just days away from being that big brother we've been coaching you about since this spring. And while I have no doubt that you will slip into your new shoes as naturally as you have with most big transitions in your life, your mama wants you to know that it feels different this time around.
For three years, you have been the center of our universe. And soon, we will see that universe expand to include a little sister we are so excited about. And while I know without a doubt she will introduce all three of us to even more love than we dreamed possible, I know there will be days when I feel guilty about not being able to provide the same kind of attention I could give you before. It is these times I want you to know how much we love you and how important you are to us.
It's been so special sharing this pregnancy with you. You've been so sweet to me, asking "is the baby hurting you?" when I ask you to hold my hand instead of carry you, or the way you reach over and gently rub my belly every so often, asking "is the baby in there, mommy?" Our early mornings in our bed have been my favorite part of the last few weeks. Lately, your daddy and I have been quick to bring you to bed with us, snuggling up close with you in the middle, remembering you as a baby and soaking up these last few days of just you.
This morning, you came with me to my 38 week doctor's appointment and were so excited to be along. On the way home, you fell asleep in the car and I decided to cuddle with you in the chair hoping you would fall back asleep. You cradled my side with your head on my chest and your arm resting across your sister. We rocked and I watched your eyelids fall heavy. Just as you drifted back to sleep, your sister stretched her limbs and kicked you right in the side! You immediately sat up and asked, "Is that your baby?" It was such a sweet moment I won't forget, although after that, you weren't interested in falling back asleep!
I am so excited to watch you be a big brother. I get misty eyed when I think about how I'll feel when I see you walk into that hospital room and see your sis for the first time. She is going to love you as much as we do.
Thanks for making me a mama and making the decision to have another baby so easy for us. You are a better version of your daddy and me and although it sounds weird to say, I know you will continue to teach us how to make this thing work just as you have always been our best teacher. We have so much to learn and have learned so much from you.
You are about to be a big brother and this little girl has no idea how blessed she is. We are so proud of you.
Love,
Mom
Although I'm more than ready for this baby to be here, I am sure glad she didn't choose last night to make her appearance! The thought crossed my mind as I crawled into our warm bed about 9:30 last night to watch the 'Best of Jimmy Fallon' special with Beau. With actual temperatures reaching -23 and wind chills possibly reaching -55, there was no place I'd rather this baby be than nice and warm inside of me! We enjoyed a day hunkered down in our long johns on Sunday, sipping tea, watching football, and baking cookies, and have no plans to leave the house until that temperature climbs.
Saturday, however, was a different story. We worked hard around here, organizing our storage shelves in the basement, catching up on laundry, and putting the final touches on the baby nursery. I washed our car seat liner and Beau put the bases in the car. I researched double strollers, added a few things to the hospital bag, and started to make some arrangements for our Cruz dude while we're in the hospital. The nest is finally feeling ready around here and I'm breathing easier.
I'm starting to wonder if this little lady is another version of her mama, waiting 'til things are just right to come on out! The doctor informed me that there isn't a whole lot happening down there right now and that "we'll have to wait and see" where I'm at this week. Heart rate was 150, movement was good, and I measured at 37 weeks.
I've been a hot mess of hormonal emotions
lately, one minute floating on cloud nine and the next, bursting into tears at
an Apple commercial on TV. You know the one I'm talking about - the
angsty teenage boy seemingly ignoring his family during the holidays only to
later discover he's been using his phone to capture video of the little things
- a Grandpa stealing a kiss from his wife, an icicle falling off a
garland-wrapped porch, a little girl in pajamas studying a sparkly ornament on
the tree...every time I see the thing I cry like a baby.
Or I guess I should say a woman about to have
a baby.
Beau has been playing guitar for a little
over a year now and it's been a rewarding journey getting to be along for the
ride (except for the fact that Simple Song by The Shins or Neil Young's, Heart
of Gold, aka, the first two songs he learned to play now sound like nails on a
chalkboard to me). It's amazing to me how much he's learned in one year
and to see tangible evidence of his growth through the many songs he strums
throughout the day. I've watched him find comfort in a few songs he can
now play with ease...The Black Crows’, She Talks to Angels, Hey Ho by the
Lumineers, Jack Johnson's, Do You Remember, Oasis', Wonderwall --- the songs
that make him sound and look like a guitarist who's been playing for
years. But lately, he's felt called and challenged to put his own music
together - learning which chords work together to make a rhythm and ultimately
a song that flows like the ones he plays so effortlessly. It is here I
see a different guitarist emerge - one unsure of what he is doing and easily
frustrated when the rhythm doesn't come as smoothly as he'd like. Instead
of the ease of playing the songs he's learned from experience, he's now the
novice, trying and failing and retrying again. And it's in this place I
see a guitarist.
With just about a week to go until we do
this thing again, I find myself with one foot in two different worlds - half of
me sits strumming those songs I know so well - comfortable, content, and happy
in the reality I'm known for the past three years. I am confident in this
place, sure of what I can do, with ease in what I've learned to expect.
And then there's the other side. In a matter of two weeks, we will be on
a new adventure of loving and raising not one, but two little souls. I am
ready to feel that first contraction, to experience childbirth all over again,
and to hold and kiss my baby girl for the very first time; however, I am aware
that things will never look as they do right now. The rhythm I've learned
to play so well for the last three years is about to become a new song, one
that I'm not sure how to play.
Having this baby right before the holidays was a test for me. My mind was constantly racing, trying to prepare for
the holidays while knowing that I had much more to prepare for before I felt
ready to bring a baby home. My thought process was that if I could just feel
ready here at home, I'd feel ready in all other parts of my life,
too. I wanted sheet music...if I could just have a script, a piece of music
that would guide me and help me understand what this is all going to look like,
I would feel that much more prepared for what life looks like on the other
side.
But a true artist will only feel challenged
for so long when they have a piece of music in front of them. It's times
when the canvas is completely blank that the most beauty is revealed.
It's moments when we find ourselves stripped bare of what we know that we
discover what we didn't even know we were capable of. It's about
embracing the challenge, the adventure, knowing that mistakes will be made, but
that if you keep seeking to grow and become a better version of yourself, more
beauty is always at the end, whether it's a song, a piece of artwork, or those
first, very raw, very real moments of parenthood.
Seeing my baby girl on the ultrasound screen was surreal. There she was, as if she was just waiting for
us. For nine months, I've carried this little person inside of me.
This little girl who has been with me every step of the way since I discovered
I was pregnant with her in May. I’ve
grown closer with every kick, every hiccup, and the bond I feel with her is
fierce. There is a different weight of
carrying a daughter - a young girl who will grow up in a world of expectations,
uncertainty, and the desire to follow a script of how things should go and what
they should look like. And I want to be a model that shows otherwise.
A model that embraces the uncertainty and looks for the beauty in it. A
model that chooses a blank canvas instead of the script that's so often
followed. A model that lives deeply and drinks up the beauty of this
place, no matter what it looks like.
As we enter this new phase of raising two
kids, of balancing attention, and finding a new rhythm as a family, there is a
lot I am uncertain of. Just as I experienced with Cruz, there are bound
to be new feelings I'm not prepared for. We will make mistakes, we will
feel stretched and guilty and exhausted. But one thing I am certain of is
that there will be so much love. That raw, messy, exhausted, amazing love
that exists in those first few weeks of bringing a baby home to your family.
I am ready to let go and let grace fill our house in the form of a newborn
baby.
This next week, I want to soak up every
last stretch and hiccup. I want to squeeze Cruz and play hard. And
I want to be a seed in the wind - with faith and contentedness not in what I am
able to control, but in the beauty of a song about to be written.
On Christmas night, Beau surprised me with a
song he wrote for me. For the past several weeks, he's been retiring to
the cold garage after I've went to bed with the goal of capturing our story and
this particular stage we are in through his own music and lyrics. And in the quiet living room surrounded by
Christmas lights, he sang it for me. And
with tears running down my face, I felt so lucky to be writing our song
together.
We are just days away from one of the
happiest, most meaningful days of our life and I am so blessed to be in this
place.
pictures courtesy of At Play Photo, November 2013.
