Thoughts...

"And be less quick to anger,

and show appreciation more

and love the people in our lives

like we’ve never loved before."

-Taken from the poem, The Dash, read at Grandma J's funeral, March 3, 2012...

As I held you and rocked you to sleep tonight, I breathed in your baby smell and felt your little body folded into mine as if we were two perfect pieces of a jigsaw puzzle.  The TV was off, the lights were dimmed, and I had nothing to focus on but the sounds of your breathing and the softness of your hands.  In this stillness, I tried to think logically about my priorities, the next steps to take in this uncertain stage of life, or to even say a prayer for someone, something, anything --- but...to follow suit with my brain the last two weeks, I fell short of any organized thought, or plan, or prayer, and used the time to simply hold you and accept the limbo state of this life right now.    

The four lines in the poem above, recited at your Great-Grandma's funeral last weekend, have become a mantra of mine this week.  The last two weeks have been a test for not only our family of three, but for many families we love very much.  It seems a rain cloud has settled over a lot of people we care about, and while we desperately seek to band together and pull our friends through these crises at hand, we learn that sometimes, we don't have the control or power to do so.  And that it's in these times of powerlessness that we learn to survive.  And sometimes, when we strip everything down to the bare bones of survival, to the mere essentials of this life, we figure out what's truly truly important.  The things that can't be stripped away by even the world's biggest budget cut.

...like the power of your voice, and the importance of empowering others to share their voice.  Because perhaps even more importantly than being involved and sharing your perspective with others, is your willingness and desire to get to know and learn from others.  My favorite author, Sherman Alexie, said it best when he said, 'if you let people into your life a little bit, they can be pretty damn amazing.'

...actions truly do speak louder than words.  We waste a lot of time wondering or worrying about what might be done instead of just doing it.    

...being there for others who are in far greater need than oneself.  While life hasn't been too easy the last couple of weeks, we are still so blessed and so thankful for what we have.  I watch the news on these devastating tornadoes, or hear from families of students involved in the school shooting last week, and feel overwhelmed with blessings.   

...and the importance of indulging in simple pleasures.  A Scratch cupcake, a quick trip to Target, or a few snaps of the camera are necessary always, but perhaps even more during times of despair.  Notice and appreciate them when they arrive out of nowhere, and make 'em happen when they're hard to come by.  Someone once said we create our own happiness (they must have a Pinterest account ;).     

...and escape.  While the circumstances this weekend weren't ideal, it was a blessing to be with Beau's family and get away from it all.  I had no computer, no newspapers, no direct access to the trenches, and the time away was the perfect medicine.  And as the weight of my school trickled down my shoulders, I became stronger and better able to hold the weight of my family in its place.  I became a rock for your daddy as he said goodbye to his Grandma J, and a rock to you, who I decided really did need your mama, perhaps more than I even realized.  The chance to bond with you separate from school this weekend was very important for me, and that bond is a pretty powerful thing. 

Thank you for needing me this weekend.  For somehow picking up on the lack of importance I feel during the work week and reaching out to be loved and comforted at the end of each school day.  I don't know what I'd do without you and am so blessed to come home to this face every day.  

And because this was intended to be a 'Wordless Wednesday' post, I'll post a few pictures that make my heart melt.  You were one worn out little wild man :)

Love you...

Your mama

An update...

Life has been anything but normal lately, and it seems like an eternity since last Wednesday, the day the decision was announced to close down a school with a long history, a lasting impact, and a large following of resilient, courageous fighters from so many walks of life.  I reminded Beau that it was just a week ago that I sat at a parent meeting, desperate to make sense of a plan that seemed so wrong on so many levels, and we both agreed that it seemed like forever ago since then.  And while the morale and motivation of the entire university is at an all-time low right now, people keep going.  They keep fighting.  And the longer I live through this disaster, the more I realize just how amazing people can be.  

If you live close enough to read our daily headlines in the Waterloo Courier, you know that to write about this chapter of my life right now would be next to impossible, especially when it seems I'm using all my writing time these days to write legislatures/presidents/board of regents/resumes/cover letters/lesson plans... But, I also know this story is important to my life, one way or another, and that someday, I'll reflect.  But for now, I'm settling for fragments.  Because that's just about all my mind can do right now.

The fragmented pieces of my week...

1.  Life is raw right now at school.  I've seen more teachers break down in front of their students this week than I have in the 20+ years I've been a student.  My friend, Megan, started crying at the white board yesterday during a lesson on the quadratic formula.  The morale is low, yet, I feel closer to my colleagues than ever before.  

2.  It's all about the little things.  A family who supplies Panera bagels in our conference room, hoping the cream cheese will raise the spirits of the faculty, or the mid-stride hug from an elementary teacher walking her class to the library.  

3.  When a faculty votes 'no confidence' in their leaders, they mean business.  

4.  I've debated wearing sweatpants to school every morning this week.

5.  My student from France interrupted class the other day to ask us if we have 'unemployment' in our country.  Except, since she couldn't pronounce the word, she searched it on dictionary.com and played the voice recording of the word over and over again to make sure we got it.  She said when she told her mom about our school crisis, her mom replied that it was unfortunate since our country didn't believe in 'unemployment.'  ;)

6.  I've thought long and hard about future professions I might explore - everything from a sales associate at Express, to a stay-at-home-mommy, to a professional party planner.  I've decided each would encourage me to spend much more than I'd bring home.  

7.  Last year, our school was headed to Des Moines to watch our boys play in the State Basketball Tournament for the fourth consecutive year; this year, our students are headed to Des Moines to meet with legislatures and lobby for their school.  

8.  On Monday, Beau and I traveled to Hampton to visit Beau's Grandma J for the last time.  Beau said he always knew he'd be there when she passed.  It was an emotionally exhausting day, yet there's peace knowing she's in Heaven with her arms around her husband - something she's waited for for nearly half her life.  

9.  When life sucks, there's nothing better than babies and warm brownies.  Check that.  Warm brownies with ice cream, fresh raspberries, and whipped cream.  Thanks to Cruz showing off his love of bacon, and Gina's amazingly wonderful brownies, we felt comfort amidst our sadness.  Because as the amazing Sherman Alexie says, "when it comes to death, we know that laughter and tears are pretty much the same thing." 

10.  I think Cruz can sense life has been a little out of the ordinary lately, so, he's sought to bring some routine back to our lives.  The last three mornings in a row, he's woke up around 5 am, requesting 'Me-mo,' otherwise known as 'Elmo.'  And every morning, while I drag myself out of bed to shower, Beau and Cruz curl up in front of the TV and watch some Sesame Street.  

Hoping I can see this forest through the trees soon :)     

Please Help...

Tomorrow night, we find out the fate of our school.  A school that has provided a home, a community, and for some kids, a second chance at success in an education system that has failed them.  A school that touches nearly every single teaching major in UNI's prestigious College of Education, including 1,000 preservice teachers and 20,000 contact hours each year.  A school that believes in innovation in education, quality teacher preparation, and service and outreach to other schools in the state.  A school that mentored me into a model where teaching for excellence isn't the ideal, but the expectation.  A school that taught me to try new things, constantly reflect on my practice, and listen to my students.  
  
And since the news of UNI's proposed budget cuts broke in the papers last Thursday, it's not the people in charge who have taught me, but the students whose very identity is at stake.  Because when the floor is collapsing from under their feet, they don't just sit back and let it crumble.  They do something about it.  They send tweets to Jason Glass, the Director of the Department of Education, asking questions and voicing concerns.  They stay at school on a Friday night until 7:00, creating videos of teacher education students voicing their support for our school.  They spend their weekends researching our school and writing a petition - a petition that after just 24 hours, has over 1,000 signatures from supporters all over the world.  They partner with a UNI student who decided to change the content of his final lesson on his last day of his field experience to focus on the importance of understanding the First Amendment, giving students an opportunity to voice their concerns, and helping them write letters, comments, and editorials to various naysayers.  They wrote letters to University President Ben Allen, telling their own stories of how Price Lab changed them - a student who was so bullied at her first school that their parents feared for her safety; a student who was headed down the path of dropping out at a school that had given up hope, and is now considered one of our leaders; and a student who realizes that his life might look a whole lot different if it wasn't for a school that allowed his single mom the opportunity to attend college and give her kids a good education at the same time.  

As I sit here tonight with this pit in my stomach, I sift through the countless comments that have surfaced the last few days and am struck by one of them:

The argument has been presented that there is little need for the Price Lab School because the Lab School is unlike a typical classroom. This argument is being presented at a time when the majority of Americans believe their school system is in a state of failure. Why then, would one advocate training the next generation of teachers in the same system that so many consider to be failing?

One of the strongest arguments for Price Lab School may be that the format is unlike the average school. Experimentation with new teaching methods, technology, and curricular strategies is where many of the educational changes needed for the 21st century are first presented. The majority of successful educational philosophies, strategies, and changes have occurred in lab schools from Pestalozzi to John Dewey and continue in laboratory schools around the world today.

I can think of no stronger way to have an immediate effect on education throughout the entire state of Iowa than giving pre-service teachers a quality experience with innovative and cutting edge curricular strategies that they may immediately take with them to the various schools they will become a part of in the future.

-Scott Greenhalgh

Additionally, I find it admirable that the NU students are brave and bold enough to take a stand and proudly state who they are and give ownership to their comments with their full names. Interestingly, one can contrast that to the many detracting “adults” who hide in anonymity.

I'm so proud of our students and proud of Price Lab School.  Although we may not have the support of the people who make the decisions, we have the support of the people who know and have been impacted by our near hundred-year mission.  
  
Help get the word out by signing the following petition.  It only takes a second.  And if you are a UNI Teaching Grad and have been positively impacted by Price Lab, write to Ben Allen (ben.allen@uni.edu), and share your story and the impact PLS has had on your teaching. 

Click here to sign the petition.  

Our new little pumpkin...

Two years ago, a silly looking Joe Dirt and skimpily-clad referee joined forces to celebrate a Halloween night that included a haunted house, some karaoke, and a few margaritas in the basement of El Mariachis, a little Mexican dive on College Hill, owned by none other than, Mama Mariachi. We played pool, danced with friends, and took pictures with other costume-laden strangers. This year, Halloween looked a little different at our house. It involved a pair of warm leggings and my favorite mukluks. Sitting on the floor, clasping warm bowls of chicken and noodles, snuggling a baby dressed in a white fleece sleeper with little orange pumpkins, and stopping to pause ‘Scared Shrekless,’ or ‘The Office,’ to grab a burp cloth, warm a bottle, or pump a fresh one. Yes, Halloween looked a little different at our house this year.

This weekend, we celebrated Cruz’s first holiday and we celebrated in style. Fall is one of my favorite times of year for so many reasons. I love the weather, the colors, the clothes, and especially the food. Each year, I try to outdo Martha Stewart by cooking as much comfort food as possible. Crock pot roasts and soups, breads, bars, cider, and anything pumpkin. This year, I wondered if I’d have the time or the desire to continue to cook after having a baby. And thanks to many special friends at Price Lab School, I haven’t needed to think about grocery lists for the past two weeks, as we’ve had meals brought to our house almost every night. Thursday night, however, I rediscovered my inner Pioneer Woman, thus beginning of weekend of wining, dining, and baby lovin’.

Home-Baked Cookies and Milk.

Although Cruz only enjoyed one of the two for his first Halloween, he did enjoy his first of many experiences cooking in the kitchen with his momma. I celebrated missing a Thursday night of parent/teacher conferences by spending some time with my boys in the kitchen. We filled frosty pint glasses with Sam Adams’ Winter Ale and sweet red wine, stuffed babies in oversized lambie chairs, and baked warm, gooey, melt-in-your-mouth chocolate chip cookies. The dimmed cabinet lights and the click click click of the kitchen timer created the perfect combination for Cruz to sleep through my baking spree. Beau made some life insurance calls and I filled baking sheet after baking sheet with my favorite secret recipe.

Nap time.

Beau decided to call it a no-stress Friday and cut out of work a little early. I ran a few errands and returned home to this…

So I made this…

Pumpkins.

Last year, Beau escaped Halloween without having to carve pumpkins with his holiday-obsessed wife. This year, we sat as a family in the middle of the kitchen floor, got arm’s deep in pumpkin goo, and carved Cruz’s first ever jack-o-lantern. Then, much to Beau’s distaste, I attempted to strip down Baby Cruz and put him in his very first jack-o-lantern to further torture him with another photo-op. The cold, slimy pumpkin intestines were nothing close to Cruz’s favorite Gap blankie, and before I could even stuff his little legs into the pumpkin, I realized it was not a good idea. We stuffed him into a bathtub of suds instead, then captured a few pictures of a sleeping baby and his personalized pumpkin.

Tricks or Treat.

Saturday afternoon, we took Cruz to my mom and dad’s to experience his first night of trick-or-treating. Although the wind was a little too cold for baby ears, we managed to get a few pictures of Cruz in his first Halloween costume. Although Cruz and Charly looked pretty cute in their puppy and penguin costumes, my little hot box didn’t last too long in his costume. All the pictures and clothes changing proved to be a little too much for our little puppy, so after his first bottle with Daddy, Cruz fell asleep for the remainder of trick-or-treating. We laughed at Charly as she attempted to get in on her own candy fun, snuggled with a sleepy Cruz, and enjoyed a night of tricks, treats, beef burgers, and cheesy potatoes. Mom was in seventh heaven to have both of her grandbabies at home and it was fun to see evidence of just how much our family has grown in a short year.

Five Little Pumpkins.

Call me a bad mom, but since Cruz has been born, I haven’t read one book to him. Sunday, we made up for it. Grandma Kelly gave Cruz a couple of Halloween board books in honor of his first Halloween and together, for about a half hour on the recliner, we memorized Five Little Pumpkins. Cruz was wide eyed and alert, listening to the rhymes and concentrating like a bookworm on the fat little pages filled with orange pumpkins. He especially loved the “oooooooooooooooo went the wind, and out went the light” chant, almost piercing his little lips in an ‘ooo’ motion to match mine.

Naps with Uncle Barbiturate.

As it turns out, Uncle Gabe really does live up to the namesake he gave himself. Gabe and Gina came Sunday morning to spoil Beau and me with an amazing lunch, and spoil Cruz to sleep with lots of cuddle time. While Beau and I stuffed ourselves with asiago and prosciutto stuffed chicken and caprese salad, Gabe and Gina got their baby fix with a happy little Cruz.

Superheroes and Award-winning Chili.

Every year on Halloween, our little neighborhood turns into a scene straight out of a Halloween movie. Costumes of all shapes and sizes parade up and down the streets, followed by parents pulling wagons, carrying flashlights, and rehearsing the common lingo of, “please,” “thank you,” and “trick-or-treat,” with their littles. This year, Fleur Drive was in extra good hands with the presence of three awfully cute superheroes.

It was Mom and Dad’s turn to help us with our round of trick-or-treaters, and once again, we snuggled with a sweet baby, and stuffed our faces with yummy fall comfort food, including Beau’s award-winning chili, and my favorite turtle corn. We sipped cider, listened to Uncle Taylor tell us about his gum-stuck-on-shoe costume, and filled and refilled our candy bowl as Iron Mans, princesses, dragons, and ladybugs flooded our porch and scared our kitty.

And as the last trick-or-treater stuffed his little gloved fist into our candy basket and the light in Cruz’s very first jack-o-lantern faded away, we rocked an exhausted little baby to sleep.

It was our first holiday with a baby and I definitely learned a lot. While simple traditions like carving a pumpkin may take a little longer, and trips to family may require a little more packing, babies have a way of making the holidays, like life, just a little bit sweeter and a lot more fun. It’s two little hands peeking from a little spotted suit, and a sweet little scrunched face peeking from under a puppy-faced hood that made this Halloween complete.

And blew the socks off of Mama Mariachi's margaritas any day of the year.

Happy FIRST Halloween Baby Cruz.