We did it!

Well, we did it.  We (I) survived Cruz's first day of 'day care.'  I went back to work on Monday; however, Mom and Grandma helped me transition by coming to stay with our little buddy Monday through Wednesday.  It ended up being a great way for me to ease into this new routine.  I could just pretend I was out shopping for the day, call or text a hundred times to see how he was doing, and be content in the fact that he was in the comfort of his own home, with his own toys, and two women (and a Grandpa) that love him very much.  I still thought about him all day long, felt a twinge of guilt when I looked at his sweet little picture on my desk, and raced home as soon as that last student slowly trudged out of my classroom.  

This morning, well, it was possibly the worst form of torture I've ever been subject to.  I started attempting to swallow the lump that hardened in my throat as the minutes ticked away to 7:15.  Cruz was up, happy, and ready for a long day of play.  And we had to bundle him up, strap him in an awful car seat, and put him in a freezing cold car, only to abandon him at an unknown place, with unknown people, for a long, seven hour day.  Torture.

I cried the entire way to his day care.  Yep, as Cruz slept, perfectly content in the dark car with his little Gap hoodie up over his ears, I listened to the radio, cried, and recited 2 Corinthians 12:9 over and over again.  After we dropped him off, I felt even worse.  I pulled his little body out of his car seat, gave him a big kiss, and laid him on the playmat surrounded by every toy, baby saucer, and baby-thing one could think of.  I gave his lead teacher my typed instructions entitled, "Cruz Jorgensen Owner's Manual," and attempted to demonstrate our 'sleeper hold' position.  Cruz smiled as I left and I could see him begin to take in his new surroundings.  Walking down that hallway and getting into my car was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do.  And I'm not exaggerating.  Torture. 

I called my mom and cried the rest of the way to school.  I cursed our society for creating a culture of working women and contemplated 'being sick' so I could go home and cuddle with my little one.  Torture.  

Although Cruz was probably thinking something like, "Where am I?  Wow, holy colors?  Whoa, he's my size!" when I dropped him off at day care this morning, in my mind it went something like this, "Mom!  Where are you going?  Why are you leaving me?  Take me with you!"  I had this nightmare vision of no one liking him, or paying attention to him, or of him crying all day long.  I felt uneasy, guilty, and upset at the fact that I had to go to work to take care of other peoples' kids, while someone else took care of mine.  Torture.

I believe the Lord works in our lives in mysterious ways, but when it came to daycare today, He didn't bother messing with me.  Picking Cruz up from day care was a completely different experience.  When I walked into the room, he was sitting in a bouncy seat like a perfect little angel.  He was making gurgling sounds at a sweet college girl sitting next to him as if trying to flirt with her.  Another college girl played with a baby on the other side of the play mat.  They greeted me with warmth and Cruz greeted me with a smile.  It was inviting, and happy, and comforting.  So inviting, that a part of me just wanted to stay and hang out.  Relief.

Cruz had a great first day of day care.  The director stopped by to comment on how good he was, and on his very first daily log sheet, his lead teacher commented that he was a very good boy and showed them lots of smiles.  He ate every four hours and took a three hour nap.  When I asked where the other babies were, the girls said they were on 'stroller rides.'  Indoor stroller rides in January?  Relief.     

I felt more excited to take him home, more excited to play with him, snuggle with him, and bond with him than ever before.  So proud of him for being a good little boy, and grateful for the experience and interaction he will gain at such a great place.  It's not about dwelling on the time I'm away from him, but making the most of the time I'm home with him. 

Cruz was so sweet when we got home.  He was all smiles on his changing table, as if glad to be back on familiar territory.  When I fed him his bottle, however, he barely made it through.  He was so tired!  I'm anxious to see how he sleeps tonight.  Beau has already confirmed that he will be working a half-day tomorrow, and is looking forward to a 'guy's afternoon' with Cruz.  I'm alreay looking ahead to a long, three-day weekend of snuggling and soaking up this baby. 

We made it.  Cruz rocked it.  All is well. 

Redefining What's 'Normal'

Well, this is it.  My last official day of maternity leave.  My last day before heading back to work.  Tomorrow morning, my alarm will sound at 5:30 am, reminding me that my mornings of sweat pants and rocking Cruz while Hoda and Kathie Lee plays in the background are over.  Well, at least until Spring Break ;).

I have been so blessed to have been able to stay home with Cruz for 13 weeks.  So blessed to have a supportive husband that knew his control-freak wife needed some much needed downtime to find some control in this new role.  Life has been so good lately that it's hard to imagine it changing.  I am so thankful that my mom and grandma are going to help 'transition' me into daycare this week by coming to stay with Cruz.  I really can't imagine dropping him off at daycare quite yet.  Right now, I'm taking baby steps, and getting myself to work on time is step one. 

At church this morning, Dave Bartlett began a sermon series called 'Redefining Normal.'  It focuses primarily on how to love our families and build homes that create responsible and growing people.  As he talked today about learning to go with the flow when our idea of 'normal' is altered, I think he was talking directly to me.  It still amazes me how sermons can do that.  He talked about hope as a source of energy.  Hope to keep us going when the waters get a little rough.  Hope to gain new perspective when we feel cheated or challenged.  Hope to empower us to work hard and stay positive, whether I'm at school teaching 10th graders how to write an essay, or at home, grading those essays while trying to play with my baby.  

Dave also talked about our weaknesses.  Everyone has weaknesses, times when they lose hope or lose the sense of 'normalcy' in life.  For me, this is the weakness I will soon run into when I'm caught in the middle of the 'weekend web,' and feel pulled in a million directions.  The laundry won't be done, the house will be a mess, and I'll have 35 emails to respond to before Monday.  Groceries will need to be purchased, papers will need to be checked, and a baby will need a bath.  I know I will run into times when I feel weakness at managing life as a mother, a wife, and a teacher.  But, as Dave reminded me today, these are the times when we look beyond ourselves for power.  These are the times when I will remind myself of 2 Corinthians 12:9: "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness."  Therefore, I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest in me.  Weakness makes us stronger...stronger in our faith in Christ. 

Finally, when all else fails and our 'weakness' begins to get the best of us, this is when we play.  Dave told the story about reflooring his bathroom, growing frustrated at the fact that home improvement projects never go as easy as planned.  After pulling up more than seven layers of pre-existing tile and wanting to kick the sink in during the process, he noticed his seven-year-old grandson staring at him, absorbing every sign of his growing frustration.  Dave looked at his grandson, threw his Wonder Bar to the floor and said, "Charlie, let's go play."  When life gets frustrating and our emotions get the best of us, this is when we play.  Put the pen down, shut the computer screen, and let go.  Play.  

That's it.  It's about hope, it's about play, and it's about power in Christ.  I'm ready to see my students, ready to reconnect with other teachers, and ready to dive back into the profession I love.  And I'm ready to play hard when I get home, to love that baby up, and to not sweat the small stuff in this little life.  Our normal is indeed about to change, but it's about making our new 'normal' better than before.

This weekend has been filled with lots of play, lots of pictures, and lots of attempts to slow down time.  We played Bobby Darin's 'Splish Splash,' during Cruz's bath.  We let Cruz snuggle and fall asleep in our bed before putting him in his crib.  I 'slept' on the couch with him instead of putting him back in his crib in the morning.  We read lots of books, explored new toys, and had lots of family time.  Beau and I had our first 'date night' since October, and spent it at Sakura, and I took an insane amount of pictures this week.  Pictures of Cruz sitting up, lying down, on his belly, and on his side.  Pictures with monkeys, pictures with puppies, pictures with gators, and pictures with hippos.  One thing that will be able to rest when I head back to work is my memory card! 

Tomorrow is the big day.  Wish us luck for a good night's sleep and a strong cup of coffee in the morning!

Dear YOU...

Baby J...

Happy 34 weeks, little man!  Last night I had a panic attack thinking about that number in my head.  It is getting unbelievably close to your D-Day, and we are overwhelmingly excited.  Pretty soon, when people ask when I'm due, I can reply that I'm due 'any day.'  Will you be a September baby?  Will you practice punctuality and come on time?  Or will you drag this process out as long as possible and arrive somewhere in the middle of October?  My guess right now is that you will be late; however, as much as you continue to squirm, you might be ready to exit that small space sooner than later.  My single request is that you do not decide to exit during the middle of class, resulting in a huge pool of water at my feet.  I'm sure this embarrassing water-breaking scene only exists in my dreams and in movies, but you've surprised me enough throughout this pregnancy, I'm readying and preparing for just about anything!

This week, things have been a little different around the Jorgensen household.  School has started, which means early mornings, quick lunches, a sore throat from talking A LOT, swollen feet, and one exhausted momma!   I can't believe how tired I was Monday night.  I was foggy headed, could hardly put words together in an email, and would have been satisfied crawling into bed at 5:00!  It was torturous, but has been progressively better each day since.

Today was the first day with students.  It was so great to see them!  They already love you!  They flocked over to see your growth spurt, gave me lots of hugs, quizzed me on names, and demanded I bring you in to see them as soon as you are born!  One of my favorite memories was the roaring applause you received during the welcome back reception!  It was almost as if you knew what was going on.  You squirmed, rolled, and tumbled more today than you have throughout my entire pregnancy!  Turns out, you are pretty good at this whole school thing!

Other milestones to record for this 34th week?  Well, your crib is finished and it looks awesome!  Your mom has diligently packed her lunch every day this week.  Oh, and you mingled with the President Ben Allen and his wife, Pat, last night!  It was my first invitation to the President's House and with you in tow, you were a welcome conversation piece with the Allen's!  Beau said that we should have asked them to take a picture with the belly for your scrapbook...
 
As we close the page of another summer, I anxiously anticipate this next season!  I get so excited sometimes that I can hardly breathe!  Thanks for joining me on this ride in a hot school building, for listening to my boring syllabus talk during school today, and entertaining me with your constant belly flops and somersaults.  You keep me on my (now swollen) toes, that's for sure.   

Love you, Baby J! 

Your Mom ;)