"Two people locked safely inside, briefly released from their complicated histories and the weighty expectations of the town around them, ate good food and laughed and discussed poetry and stories, horses, and mistakes they had made, and Alice rediscovered a little part of her that she hadn't known she missed: the flirtatious young woman who liked to talk about things she read, saw and thought about as much as she liked to ride a mountain track. Time flew, and each ended the night full and happy, with the rare glow that comes from knowing your very being has been understood by somebody else, and that there might just be someone out there who will only ever see the best in you."
Jojo Moyes, from The Giver of Stars
Every January, I like to spend some time writing a theme for my year ahead. I've gotten in the habit of making space at the beginning of the year for a day to cultivate this type of reflection, preferably a sunny spot at my home desk with a candle, a cup of something warm, the books that challenged me, and a stack of all my journals with my scribbles and scratches from the past year. And then, like any good academic, I conduct my favorite kind of research (if only I could count this as a dissertation). I sift through it all, mark themes, recall the tiny moments that now shed so much meaning all these months later, and then attempt to make sense of it so I can use it as a launching pad to enter this new year just a little better than where I was when I left it. I'm convinced it's some of the best work we owe ourselves - to look back, remember, reflect, and respond, even if just a little.
"Do the best you can until you know better. Then when you know better, do better."
Maya Angelou
What's fun about this year in particular is that I feel like my word was imprinted on my heart since around my 35th birthday this past August. Thanks to a summer at Panera studying all things enneagram with my sis-in-law, Kate, a series of 35 separate heart sentiments from another special Kate in my life, and a summer afternoon screening of Toy Story 4 with my kids, I started my 35th year with the word, known, etched on my heart. Below is a little of what I wrote and the full post is here:
"God has put the word known on my heart recently, a term thrown around in Christian circles that has always left me a little unsure of what exactly it means or how it should feel to be known. But He’s opened me up to it lately, and just how important it is to truly know my authentic self, to delight in a Father who made me this way on purpose, and to know and nurture the unique, authentic selves of my kids. At our deepest core, we want to be known and seen and loved for just who we are.
So this is my hope for my 35th year – to just be me, to lean in to the ridiculous grace of being fully known by a loving father, to be grateful for the people in my life who give me such pictures of what that looks like, and to seek to truly know others and love them well. God has such a rich, purposeful life in store for each of us, but we’re often so busy chasing the world’s way, or walking around with so many masks on that we fail to see our life through the unique and beautiful lens He’s given us. I want to stand on the top of this merry-go-round called life and see it all with a twinkle in my eye and a lot of joy in my heart. Just like Woody and Bo Peep."
"To be loved but not known is comforting but superficial. To be known and not loved is our greatest fear. But to be fully known and truly loved is, well, a lot like being loved by God. It is what we need more than anything. It liberates us from pretense, humbles us, and strengthens us for any difficulty life can throw at us."
Tim Keller
I. To know myself and simply "be who you are right now" (Bo Peep, Toy Story 4)
Who were you at the age of ten? What did you love to do? What made you feel alive? In what ways have you changed? Blogger, Jami Nato shared a post on Instagram the other day that sparked some great reflection and fun dinner conversation around these questions. She wrote: "Can you remember who you were before the world told you who you should be? I hope we will all Hansel and Gretel ourselves back home - it's way too easy to get lost in this loud "should" world. We take ourselves so seriously, we forget our lives are so very short, and we hide the very purpose for which God made us because we are afraid of what others think and we are afraid to try. What were you doing at age 10 that points to what you do now, or what you wish you were doing more of? That is a breadcrumb back to you."
Who were you at the age of ten? What did you love to do? What made you feel alive? In what ways have you changed? Blogger, Jami Nato shared a post on Instagram the other day that sparked some great reflection and fun dinner conversation around these questions. She wrote: "Can you remember who you were before the world told you who you should be? I hope we will all Hansel and Gretel ourselves back home - it's way too easy to get lost in this loud "should" world. We take ourselves so seriously, we forget our lives are so very short, and we hide the very purpose for which God made us because we are afraid of what others think and we are afraid to try. What were you doing at age 10 that points to what you do now, or what you wish you were doing more of? That is a breadcrumb back to you."
When I was a kid, I loved to play and had a wonderful imagination. But "play" for me involved a daily schedule for my Cabbage Patch doll, Hannah, that included feedings, play time, nap time, and even pictures. I would dress her in adorable outfits, pose her in various locations throughout my yard, then take countless pictures of her and ride my bike to our local drug store to turn in the film and receive 24 images of my stationary doll in return. And then I would spend my money to buy a photo album to put them in! Three months before Christmas every year, I would make a long list and start organizing every drawer, cupboard and closet in my parents' house in order to make things cozy for Christmas. I would organize our Christmas books and store them under Taylor's bed, reading him one special book every night. And I would rewind-pause-play-rewind my cassettes of the Dirty Dancing, Grease, Pretty Woman soundtrack until I had every song memorized, then parade up and down the neighborhood with my Fisher Price tape recorder pretending I was wearing Baby's pretty shoes and that weightless pink dress. One summer, I was actually banned from bringing my tape recorder over to the neighbor's house, a parsonage and home to a local Bible pastor and his three home-schooled daughters. ;) So while there has been evidence of a wild side in the making for many years, I thrived in an environment where I could make things special, create a sense of "home" for myself and those around me, and develop lists and structures in order to ensure I could get it all done. And twenty some years later, that all sounds pretty familiar. Even that wild side. ;)
This summer, I studied the enneagram and loved using this technique to put so many words to the things I so often see and feel about myself. My thorough examination of each of the nine types led me to the conclusion that I bounce somewhere between a 1 - the Perfectionist, and a 3 - the Achiever. Doesn't that just sound exhausting?! Threes are driven, charismatic, and self-disciplined. But Threes can often feel the need to be "on", to have it all together (or at least appear to), and often measure worth based on the number of boxes checked or goals achieved. Because of this, life can sometimes feel exhausting as it's hard to just be. To BE in rest. To BE with people. To BE in moments of joy. To BE vulnerable and authentic in a world full of so much proving and performing. And to BE with God in prayer and simple relationship.
This summer, I studied the enneagram and loved using this technique to put so many words to the things I so often see and feel about myself. My thorough examination of each of the nine types led me to the conclusion that I bounce somewhere between a 1 - the Perfectionist, and a 3 - the Achiever. Doesn't that just sound exhausting?! Threes are driven, charismatic, and self-disciplined. But Threes can often feel the need to be "on", to have it all together (or at least appear to), and often measure worth based on the number of boxes checked or goals achieved. Because of this, life can sometimes feel exhausting as it's hard to just be. To BE in rest. To BE with people. To BE in moments of joy. To BE vulnerable and authentic in a world full of so much proving and performing. And to BE with God in prayer and simple relationship.
I love what writers Cron and Stabile have to say about healthy threes in their must-read enneagram book, The Road Back to You:
"Healthy threes have transcended the goal of merely looking good and are moving toward being known and loved for who they are, not for what they accomplish. They still love to set goals, rise to challenges and solve problems, but their self-worth is not tied to these things. They try to balance their abundant energy between work, rest, and some kind of contemplative practice, recognizing the importance of being instead of doing. They feel valuable, which unleashes a tender benevolence that is focused on the common good."
Investing in my own self-discovery this past year has given me the power to determine when I am living out of a place of healthiness and other times when I'm not. I've discovered that where I choose to invest my time, the people I surround myself with, and the thoughts I let take up space in my head are all indicators of how healthy of a place I'm living from. This knowledge of myself and how I'm uniquely wired has allowed me to live from a place of confidence and renewal. At the same time, it's given me the lens to see others as uniquely wired, challenging me to invest in knowing them, encouraging them to live as their true selves, and feel the freedom that comes when we're all living out of a place of purpose. It's a beautiful thing and I'm convinced there is no such a time for this, for I have two little ones I owe it to!
Brene Brown, whose TedTalk on authenticity and vulnerability has been viewed more than 40 million times, found that "it was clear from the data that we cannot give our children what we don't have. Where we are on our journey of living and loving with our whole hearts is a much stronger indicator of parenting success than literally anything." God trusted these precious unique and wonderfully made people to me and it is my job to know and nurture their truest selves. I want this to be a bedrock of our family's foundation.
Ways to Stay the Course...
1. DIG Deep: I loved reading about Brene Brown's approach to "dig deep" when she felt depleted, down, or inconsistent with healthy, or wholehearted living. First, she gets deliberate in her thoughts and behaviors through prayer or simply resetting intentions. Then, she gets inspired through means that allow her to make new and different choices. And finally, she goes - takes action through whatever it is that inspires a change. For me, action might involve drowning out the noise from things like social media, connecting with people in the real, creating experiences for play, creativity, and nature, and listening to some really great music.
2. Healthy Rhythms: For me, this involves a great morning and bedtime routine, making space for rest, and carving out space for connection and quality time with people I enjoy. I'm excited to read Rebekah Lyons' new book, Rhythms of Renewal later this month, and reluctantly (but excitedly) signed up to ride 2,020 miles in 2020 at my favorite spin studio, Joywheel.
3. Look to places that inspire authenticity: And while social media can often inspire me, more often than not it's the real people and places in my life that most inspire me. The other day, I was texting with my friend, Jess, talking about sending very sad kids back to school after break. She simply said something about promising them cookies when they returned home. I told her that was a wonderful idea and followed her lead, baking cookies, setting the table nice, and surprising the kids when they got home from school. They were so excited and we sat at the table together and had such a sweet conversation about their first days back and their hopes for the month ahead. When I pay attention to the people in my life who are real, authentic, and simply themselves, I am inspired in so many ways.
4. "Home" well: There is no greater place to simply be known than under the roof of our home. This is an important intention for my new year - that I continue to create a space that invites our family and whoever comes into our home to be their realest selves. To feel safe, inspired, seen, and loved in a place that is full of love, character, creativity, and soul.
II. To lean into the ridiculous grace of being fully known by a loving God
"But now that you have come to know God, or rather to be known by God, how is it that you turn back again to the weak and worthless elemental things, to which you desire to be enslaved all over again."
Galatians 4:9
It turns out, these pieces of myself and my personality have their way of rearing their heads (the good, the bad, and the ugly) into pretty much every aspect of my life, including my faith. I've realized I often operate in a "strings attached" kind of relationship with God. The achiever in me struggles to simply rest in the promises of what He did on the cross and live out of that peace and power instead of the performing power that is often my default. I struggle when it comes to what a Christ follower should look like in our world, how our lives should be marked in a way that is set apart, when I should be taking action because I'm called to do so and when I'm simply just asked to be still. Grace and peace is often overshadowed with a sense of worry and fear about the things I can't control. I want to live out a place of faith that feels fully known and fully loved by God, trusting in that love over all else. It's the true freedom I'm convinced the Bible talks about often, a freedom that I'm still not quite sure I've fully taken advantage of.
Ways I plan to stay the course...
1. Prayer and simple relationship with God. Following Jesus involves a whole lot of talking to Him. Relying on him. Inviting him in when things don't make sense. I want to read a book or two about prayer and commit to improving this daily part of my life.
2. Love. A whole lot of love.
3. Purpose. Everything and every moment have purpose. Everything matters. Every single thing has the potential to be a form of worship. We can point others to the cross by living with the purpose Jesus has given us.
4. Communication: We aren't meant to do life alone. I need people to encourage and affirm me. I need to encourage others.
III. To be grateful for the people who give me such beautiful earthly pictures of what it means to feel known and invest in knowing others well
"I have learned that to be with those I like is enough."
Walt Whitman
"The best gift you are ever going to give someone - the permission to feel safe in their own skin. To feel worthy. To feel like they are enough."
One of the best gifts I have received the past few years is the ability to see and distinguish what it means to feel known by others. As I read my journal from this past year, I bounced from smiling to crying to laughing at these small moments I had forgotten where I was given the gift of such pure human connection. There was a really bad day in January when I felt so many emotions and Beau was not able to lean into them with me. And that day, I journaled about three people who simply showed up in different ways. First, my mom simply asked if she could come camp out in my laundry room and do our laundry. Then, I wrote about Jess stopping over unannounced with a full meal of comfort food for me and the kids. I still remember everything - our favorite tacos and all the fixings, yummy kombucha, and homemade chocolate chip cookies. And finally, I wrote about Kate, who served as an ever present prayer warrior and compass as I navigated some new, complicated waters. Each of these women offered up their unique gifts, their love and concern, and invested in a way that made me feel seen and heard and loved deeply. Whether it was in a time of need or just special nights around our table with people we connect with, my journal was filled with pages of evidence that deep human connection is vital to a life well lived.
Brene Brown defines connection as "the energy that exists between people when they feel seen, heard, and valued; when they can give and receive without judgment, and when they derive sustenance and strength from the relationship." We are hard-wired for connection. It's how God designed us. The company we keep and the people we surround ourselves with shape our biology as well as our experiences. It's the feeling of being overjoyed when someone you love shares something vulnerable with you and you want to take it and help them turn it into something beautiful. It's a night around the table with people that make you feel lighter and deeper at the same time. It's people who point you towards what's good and who aren't afraid to lean all the way in when things aren't so good.
Ways I plan to stay the course...
1. Seek and nurture real connections. Not on superficial social media, but real, life-giving, face-to-face connection.
2. The table is a magical place. So many of my favorite memories of this past year involved sitting around a table with people I love, admire, and want to know well. Whether it be a NYE Jenga with special questions to stir up discussion about our past year, a table and great music at Lighthouse Lounge, or a progressive dinner that spanned across our favorite Cedar Valley places, I want to invest in lots more time around the table.
3. Ask God to tune my heart to fill spaces where I can see and know people better. Whether this involves the smallest encounters at the grocery store, the college students I get to mentor, or the people under my roof, I want to be able to see opportunities to show up in ways that will encourage and love - much like people have often done for me.
So there it is - a long explanation of a pretty simple goal for this year ahead. My year of living known - for myself, my people, and my father in heaven.
And these family pictures from Nicole Harnois make me so dang happy. She captured our family and strange love so very well.
And these family pictures from Nicole Harnois make me so dang happy. She captured our family and strange love so very well.
No comments:
Post a Comment