Wednesday, March 7, 2012


"And be less quick to anger,
and show appreciation more
and love the people in our lives
like we’ve never loved before."

-Taken from the poem, The Dash, read at Grandma J's funeral, March 3, 2012...

As I held you and rocked you to sleep tonight, I breathed in your baby smell and felt your little body folded into mine as if we were two perfect pieces of a jigsaw puzzle.  The TV was off, the lights were dimmed, and I had nothing to focus on but the sounds of your breathing and the softness of your hands.  In this stillness, I tried to think logically about my priorities, the next steps to take in this uncertain stage of life, or to even say a prayer for someone, something, anything --- follow suit with my brain the last two weeks, I fell short of any organized thought, or plan, or prayer, and used the time to simply hold you and accept the limbo state of this life right now.    

The four lines in the poem above, recited at your Great-Grandma's funeral last weekend, have become a mantra of mine this week.  The last two weeks have been a test for not only our family of three, but for many families we love very much.  It seems a rain cloud has settled over a lot of people we care about, and while we desperately seek to band together and pull our friends through these crises at hand, we learn that sometimes, we don't have the control or power to do so.  And that it's in these times of powerlessness that we learn to survive.  And sometimes, when we strip everything down to the bare bones of survival, to the mere essentials of this life, we figure out what's truly truly important.  The things that can't be stripped away by even the world's biggest budget cut. the power of your voice, and the importance of empowering others to share their voice.  Because perhaps even more importantly than being involved and sharing your perspective with others, is your willingness and desire to get to know and learn from others.  My favorite author, Sherman Alexie, said it best when he said, 'if you let people into your life a little bit, they can be pretty damn amazing.'

...actions truly do speak louder than words.  We waste a lot of time wondering or worrying about what might be done instead of just doing it.    

...being there for others who are in far greater need than oneself.  While life hasn't been too easy the last couple of weeks, we are still so blessed and so thankful for what we have.  I watch the news on these devastating tornadoes, or hear from families of students involved in the school shooting last week, and feel overwhelmed with blessings.   

...and the importance of indulging in simple pleasures.  A Scratch cupcake, a quick trip to Target, or a few snaps of the camera are necessary always, but perhaps even more during times of despair.  Notice and appreciate them when they arrive out of nowhere, and make 'em happen when they're hard to come by.  Someone once said we create our own happiness (they must have a Pinterest account ;).     

...and escape.  While the circumstances this weekend weren't ideal, it was a blessing to be with Beau's family and get away from it all.  I had no computer, no newspapers, no direct access to the trenches, and the time away was the perfect medicine.  And as the weight of my school trickled down my shoulders, I became stronger and better able to hold the weight of my family in its place.  I became a rock for your daddy as he said goodbye to his Grandma J, and a rock to you, who I decided really did need your mama, perhaps more than I even realized.  The chance to bond with you separate from school this weekend was very important for me, and that bond is a pretty powerful thing. 

Thank you for needing me this weekend.  For somehow picking up on the lack of importance I feel during the work week and reaching out to be loved and comforted at the end of each school day.  I don't know what I'd do without you and am so blessed to come home to this face every day.  

And because this was intended to be a 'Wordless Wednesday' post, I'll post a few pictures that make my heart melt.  You were one worn out little wild man :)

Love you...

Your mama

1 comment:

  1. I just love this post and that hat on Cruz....too cute for words.



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