Monday, July 22, 2013

Though it is the smallest of seeds...

He told them another parable: “The kingdom of Heaven is like a mustard seed, which a man took and planted in his field. Though it is the smallest of all seeds, yet when it grows, it is the largest of garden plants and becomes a tree, so that the birds come and perch in its branches.” 

 Matthew 13: 31-35 

I believe God breathes His life into our stories, reaffirming His power and presence in our lives through them. These stories are uniquely ours and if one were to organize them into a library, they would fit many genres and themes --- chapters of adventure and “happily ever afters”, of self-improvement and “to be continued”, and some of trials, tribulations, and heartache. As He works to bind these pages together, he gives us the power to read our stories and learn from them – powerful lessons that mold us into better, stronger people. And like any good book, it’s hard to read without knowing what will happen next, yet, every so often, we hit a chapter, a page, or a line that stops us in our tracks and changes everything. These are the stories I yearn to learn from, the dog-eared pages I read over and over again, and know they will someday slide onto a shelf of classics – stories that reveal His perfect plan and best work in our lives. 

God gave me one of these stories in the bathroom during the early morning hours of Wednesday, May 15, 2013. 

The night before, I prayed for a sign. I usually have a hard time believing in signs, but I was feeling a bit desperate and out of other options, so I silently asked God to give me a sign that would help me understand what to do next. I let go, let God in, and prayed for His will to be done in the days to come before falling asleep. 

I had been praying the same prayer for a year, asking for His grace in understanding what I can’t control, and giving me strength and wisdom to make decisions of what I could. These prayers were often accompanied with a series of recycled emotions --- renewal and optimism, hope and disappointment, grief, rationalization, and back to renewal. 

The next morning, I got up, stretched my arms, and was quickly reminded of the uncertainty that laid before me. I grabbed my phone and headed to the bathroom as I always do to check my email without the light of the phone bothering Beau.  It's an early morning ritual. And as I deleted usual messages from Old Navy, Gap, and Barnes and Noble, I came across the daily scripture reading email our church sends out every morning. I clicked the message and the subject line illuminated my screen: 

“Though it is the smallest of seeds…” 

Before I even looked up to see the stick that confirmed it all, I knew I had my very own little seed sprouting inside of me. I knew that after a year of waiting, and praying, and trying to understand where this is all going to go, God was there the whole time. Never in my life had I felt so close to Him as I did in that moment and at that point I understood why I had to wait. God gave me a year to discover how very much I wanted it. How much I can’t do everything on my own. And as my mom always said, after I would call her crying every month, this fight would make me more grateful for the gift. 

Today, I am thankful for the fight. I’m thankful for His plan. I’m thankful for this baby. Because though it is a small seed, it’s my glimpse into God’s mighty kingdom. 

24 comments:

  1. I knew it! I've had a feeling for a couple of weeks & have been waiting for you to spill this AMAZING news! So, so happy for your whole family...can't wait to watch you grow! {in belly & in heart!} Praying for you guys!

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    1. Thanks so much for the sweet congrats. It's been hard to keep it a secret on here for awhile and I've been wondering if I let something slip along the way!

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    2. I don't think you've let anything slip. For some reason I just had this feeling! So, so excited for you guys!! :)

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  2. What a gift from God! A wonderful gift for you and Beau and Cruz! I cannot wait to hear updates! :)

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    1. Thanks, Chelsi! It will be fun sharing baby news around the same time...only Beau is well aware that you will score a nice little tax break at the end of the year and us, not so much ;). Winter babies will give us great reasons to be snowed in!

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    2. haha that's funny! :) Seems like something he would say!

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  4. Ahhh! I have tears in my eyes right now reading this. I had a strange feeling from the beginning of this post. I am beyond happy & excited for you and your family!

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    1. Thanks, Lindsey! Still hoping to make it to a Bucks' game before summer's through. There won't be much party decking for me, though!

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    2. Understandable with great reason :) I'll be there..feel free to stop out and say hi!

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  5. Congrats! You are an awesome writer, mother, wife, and love all your stories and inspirations. I follow you all the time and check in and have a little boy about the same age as Cruz! I also was a UNI grad so love to hear about the area!

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    1. Thanks for the message, Amanda! Small world! Are you still in the CF area?

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  6. As soon as I saw the picture I knew! I have happy tears for your beautiful family! Congratulations and I cannot wait to see your updates!

    And before I post this I had to go back and re-read, thinking, "wait, did she say MAY?" And we're just now hearing? ;)

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    1. Haha...we waiting a long time to spill the beans! I felt a little reluctant and needed the ultrasound at 12 weeks to prove there was really a baby in there!

      Thanks for your sweet comment! Now we wait to find out if we'll be team blue or pink :).

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    2. Totally get the waiting! It always makes you feel more secure and that is so important! Can't wait to find out if you are team blue or team pink either!

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  7. So happy for your family!!! Can not wait to meet the new addition to your family! Excited to hear how everything goes for you!

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    1. Thanks so much! January will give us a good excuse to hunker down inside and snuggle a baby!

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  8. Congrats Ashley! I know the waiting was hard, it took us a 18 months to get pregnant with Sheena. There were times I thought it was never going to happen. I remember the depression that set in. It's hard to understand God's timing, but it is ALWAYS perfect! You are an amazing mom and this little "seed" is very, very lucky! Please pass my congrats on to Beau and Cruz also. Take care of yourself and enjoy the coming months and anticipation of a new little one! Sue White

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    1. Thanks for the sweet words, Sue. I've shared lots of texts with Tori along the way and she's been wonderful! Sometimes, we have to cross through the minefields to get to the treasure!

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  9. Congrats! We had some long waiting and some grief before we found out we were expecting our boys, too. It's so hard. God's plans our better than ours. People went on and on about how I had perfect timing with our second because he was born in April and I'm a teacher... little did they know we'd been waiting about 8 months! Prayers for healthy months ahead. Cruz will be a wonderful big bro and at a great age. Our boys are 3+ years apart and it's actually nice, though we hoped they'd be closer.

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    1. Thanks, Becky. I'm feeling thankful for the three years I will have with just Cruz. It's special time we won't ever get back. I'm also thankful he's potty trained and we have a few months of no diapers :).

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  10. Congrats!! Wonderful news for your family :)

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  11. I love this story! What a special Bible verse...Matthew 13:32! Waiting on God's best can be hard, but it is worth the wait! We are so happy for all of you & we love you all so much!!:)

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