On Mother's Day

Dear Mom,

I found a free five minutes yesterday and sat down to process some thoughts on a Mother's Day card for you.  Mila quickly caught wind that I was doing something that involved pen and paper and was instantly at my feet, clinging to my ankles and whining to be scooped up.  Seconds later, I had your wriggly grand-daughter on my lap, who of course, tried to grab the black pen and drew a line over the beginnings of my note.  My first instinct was of frustration and I sat her down at my feet which instantly broke her little heart.  As my weary heart picked her up and abandoned the card, I returned to it just minutes before we were to leave for our Mother's Day lunch.  My mind was mom mush at this point, a territory I roam quite often nowadays as life raising these two energetic tots feels hard and tired.  I had no words for you, only a distracted mind and an overflowing, but tired soul. 

If I have any words for you this mother's day, it's that I finally understand what you did for me.  All these feelings of being a mom, of feeling stretched thin and used up, of going to bed every night knowing deep down you gave it your very best but still feel you came up short, of feeling more love you've ever felt in your whole life, yet also the worry, guilt, and fear that accompanies such love, these are feelings you felt, and continue to feel for me.  Sometimes, I have flashbacks and remember this in you.  Standing at the kitchen sink, your hands submerged in another sinkful of dishes, yet always ready to dry them off and choose us first, to sit at the kitchen table and talk to us about our days, help me with another school project I stressed over, or drop everything to make us feel special when life felt hard.  I remember your tired eyes, your reassuring words, and your selfless heart, but I didn't truly understand it until now.  You were always there and you still are.  The only person who truly understands how much of myself I'm giving and how much I'm loving.  Because you did that and continue to do that for me.  

Thank you for raising me with the kind of love only a mother knows.  Thank you for loving me, worrying about me, praying for me, and always making me feel special.  Thank you for seeing me when I feel like no one else does, and for always knowing just what to say to make me feel assured.  You have always been, and continue to be just what I need.  In my most weary and my most extraordinary mom moments, I know this is exactly how you felt for me.  Thank you for guiding me with your love and grace, and for showing me what it means to love like a mother. 

Happy Mother's Day, one day after.  I love you.

Blessed to have four generations of women on my front porch yesterday.  Love these girls so much...