Monday, October 4, 2010

Dear pumpkin...

Baby J,

Well, it's official.  Here we sit just one day before your due date, aka, supposed-to-be-birthday.  October 5.  A day that's been circled on our calendar and etched in our minds for forty long weeks.  Will you actually be born on your due date, well, that is up for debate.  According to statistics, only 5% of babies actually arrive on their due date.  Not too promising, especially for a woman who just returned from the doctor's office with not a whole lot to report.  If you hold out for another week, we get a skype date on Monday and a likely induction to follow.  The good news?  My doctor, who I love, will probably deliver you if you go that long.  The bad news?  Another week without you here.  Another week of waiting.     

Since I've never done this whole pregnancy/labor/delivery thing, I'm feeling a little perplexed today.  I'm a studier.  I like to be as prepared as possible for the unexpected, whether it be teaching in the classroom, packing a suitcase, or going to a foreign place.  This whole pregnancy thing is about as foreign as it gets, yet, I feel as underprepared as I can possibly feel.  I'm learning that although it is nice to have the floor mopped, the pantry stocked, and clothes put away before I go into labor, none of that really matters in the end.  What matters is a healthy baby, a healthy momma, and a strong epidural ;). 

I know I’ve been saying it throughout my pregnancy, but yesterday was surreal. It was just one of those days. It was the weekend before my due date. The past few weekends have been special, as they’ve been spent at home for fear of traveling too far from the hospital. I’ve had lots of time to prepare, to reflect, and most importantly, to cherish these final little moments of your dad and I. Although we are both more than ready to welcome you into our lives, I know in the end, the last few weeks of waiting have been time I will look back on and be thankful for.

Yesterday was beautiful outside. It was cool in the morning, but gradually reached a temperature perfect for breathing in the fresh air of fall. Mom, Dad, and Taylor stopped by in the afternoon and after the boys went to Lowes, Mom and I sat outside together. I laid in the grass and we watched my tummy shift from side to side, took some belly pictures, and dreamed about a little boy, dressed in blue, wrapped in cozy knits, lying on a blanket beside us. We talked about so much, but mainly, we soaked in the sun and soaked in the utter disbelief of a new baby about to join our family.

Later, after they went home, after I sat in my recliner to watch my routine Sunday night TV, I stopped and thought about how completely ‘un-routine’ my life is right now. I thought about the afternoon, about my talk with Mom, and my simple moment outside watching you squirm and nudge from side to side. I’ve had so many emotions throughout this pregnancy and last night was a freight train of them. I felt a little sadness, that soon, I won’t feel your feet push against my tummy. A little fear, wondering if I am strong enough and mature enough to be a mom. Worry, that I have no idea what I’m getting myself into, with labor, delivery, and all that is to come after. Nostalgia, of days spent lying in the grass, talking with mom about simple things like shopping, and homework, and Barbies, and boyfriends. And finally, amazement, of where this life of mine has led and what is soon to come.    

So...all I can do now is trust.  Trust that although we are impatient, a little disappointed, and slightly worried, you will come when the time is right.  Trust that I have a doctor who knows what is best, even if I don't.  Trust that my superwoman strength will surpass my emotional tendencies.  Trust that God will mold my feet into the shoes of motherhood with grace and ease.
Happy October.  Happy birth month, Baby J.  I have always loved this month for so many reasons.  I love the weather, the colorful leaves, the soft hoodies and comfy socks, the smells and tastes of comfort food, and the feeling of 'home.'  This year, October will take on a whole new meaning for us.  Soon, we get to meet you.  Soon, we get to bring you home.  Soon, I get to touch that little foot that's been playing hard-to-get for weeks now.  And soon, we get to make you a part of our lives.  Forever.  

Soon, little pumpkin.

P.S. I keep saying that this is the last belly shot I will be taking.  

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