July 1, 2013
It's hard for me to believe that my first trimester is already almost over. I've been so tired lately and have found myself with little to no energy every afternoon for the past few weeks. It's put a bit of a damper on our summer bucket list, but I've enjoyed snuggling up with Cruz in our bed in the middle of the day and I'm thankful summer break has given me the opportunity to give my body, and more importantly, baby, what it needs most.
Along with my dragginess (I think I just made up a word), I sometimes get worried that I'm not devoting the time to really soaking up and savoring what it means to be pregnant right now. With the struggle of trying for a year for this baby, I spent so many days feeling sad, confused, and helpless, longing to feel the joy and excitement that comes with carrying a baby. I vowed that when it did happen, I would not take a single moment for granted and spend the rest of my days thanking God for His timing and the lessons I learned along the way. Now, 11 weeks in, I am tired and spend most of my energy attempting to keep up with my toddler instead of sitting around and donning over my newly formed baby bump. I've learned that being pregnant this time around is different, as my baby outside the womb requires more energy than the one inside. But, in the middle of the most random times, I'll stop for a second and get lost in this little secret of mine. I get choked up during church and share a peaceful moment with God, holding back tears and feeling overwhelmed with thanks. I smile while I read books to Cruz, knowing that his brother or sister will hear so many stories before he or she is even born. I stand in the mirror and study my new baby bump. And I dream about January, that first glimpse and touch of baby skin, those first peaceful days in the hospital, and the sight of a new tiny baby in that crib again.
Above all, this trimester, I feel blessed. And sometimes, a little guilty. I used to think babies came to mamas easy, but the reality is far different. The truth is, there are so many women in this world who want nothing more than to be a mama - women who would be absolutely amazing moms and would cherish their babies more than their life itself. It's a mystery that I have a hard time understanding and my heart aches for them in a new way. And while I don't always believe in the statement that everything happens for a reason, I do believe that sometimes, people can find the most joy in the most unexpected plans. So while I pray for babies and good homes and miracles for moms who have waited so long, I also pray for newly revealed plans and unexpected blessings for those who wait.
As we anxiously await our first appointment and that first sound of a baby's heartbeat, I wanted to record some additional thoughts from this first trimester.
...my first purchase for baby. A simple soft gray sweatshirt and striped pants from Baby Gap. It is so tiny and so perfect for a January baby.
...a sweet gift from my mama. She's been my voice of hope, my shoulder to cry on, and my giver of wisdom this past year, and it was so wonderful to finally be able to share good news with her. She wrapped up this little cream and green outfit from Gap with little pea pods on it, along with a little card welcoming our sweet little pea.
...I'm already thinking about names. Beau is already vetoing most, but I'm not too worried.
...Cruz seems to understand that I have a baby in my belly; however, he can't possibly understand how his little world will be rocked come January. When I ask where my baby is, he points to my belly or tries to lift up my skirt, and when I ask if he wants a brother or sister, he usually says, "seester." He also sometimes tells Beau that he has a baby in his belly, and asks that Daddy kiss it. It's fun that he's old enough to carry on conversations about this baby, and I can't wait to see how he will respond to being a brother.
...I have funny cravings again, as well as some aversions that remind me of when I was pregnant with Cruz. Most meats don't sound good, and I'd rather eat small snacks throughout the day instead of big meals. I'm hungry all the time, but get full fast, and find myself hungry for the most random things throughout the day. Things like Mom's chicken salad and Skittles, orange pop and McDonalds! I've been counterbalancing my cravings for junk with lots of fresh fruit, and have been drinking a ton of water. Preferably with fruit in it (thanks Jamie Oliver).
...I'm convinced I'm having another boy; however, I'm not sure if it's because it's what I'm used to or because I've always envisioned myself with a litter of boys. We would be over the moon about a boy or a girl, and I told Beau that either way, this baby's getting a revived nursery!
...I'm all the more aware at how easy life is with one! I keep imagining life next summer with two babies under three, and know that this time with Cruz is precious. Meanwhile, I watch other moms closely, and am attempting to learn their tricks --- especially at the pool, as I'm determined to get there. So far, I've learned that I must invest in one of those moby things...
...It's been fun keeping this little miracle a secret, but just as fun to spill the beans to some of our closest family and friends. We look forward to telling the rest of the world soon, although I'm starting to feel it's getting difficult to hide with my early bump.
Baby Sprout is the size of a fig this week and is almost fully formed. I am once again in awe of my own little miracle and look forward to more growth, more milestones, and more memories during the next twelve weeks.